i am from

 I am from Dhaka, Bangladesh, a beautifully proud country, yet marred by poverty.

I am from an orphanage, full of abandoned babies, the poorest of poor, the marginalized and forgotten.

I am from a tiny teenage mother, an unknown father, at least this is what i've been told, 

yet somehow, through some act of mercy, I was placed at the gate, and left to survive some other way. 

I am from two loving parents that chose, fought, and prayed on my behalf, moving heaven and earth to adopt me. 

I am from two older siblings, who also share being adopted, a story being woven for all of us differently, so many countries apart. 

I am from the excitement of finding out our mom was pregnant with a miracle boy (she was 41)

and being confused when we would overhear the comment, " Aren't you so excited to finally be having one of your own?" when i thought our mom already had 3 of us?

I am from a longing to be known, loved, and cherished by my parents, especially if they threw me a wink, a squeeze, a ruffling of the top of my head-i kept a secret treasure chest buried in my heart, and i put every forehead kiss, night time cuddle or touching moment in that box, and would take them out over and over again, counting them like marbles..

I am from one of four, an older sister, an older brother, and one younger brother who we jokingly

would say was made in the dutch oven, 

while the rest of us were purchased at the International House of Pancakes. 

I am from idolizing my big sister, looking up to her in every way, longing for closeness that would come out sideways like stealing her clothes, copying everything she did, and bending over backwards to please her in whatever way i could..yet in the long run i was left in the dust too many times, the age gap too big between us, so i could never quite catch up... 

I am from confusion, unpredictability, hot and cold.

always trying to figure out where i stood with any of my family members, never truly resting in their love for me. it always felt vague, distant, just out of reach.

I am from a childhood that i don't really remember, blocked out maybe,  yet of course it was permeated with much good too. 

I am from wrestling matches on the living room floor, sunday school crafts, and summer days spent at the beach, one of my father's favorite places to be. 

I am from never ever feeling truly beautiful. It was not something that was really delighted in, acknowledged or ever really brought up. 

also, growing up drowning in a sea of white, being starkly different in too many ways,  I just longed to fit in. 

I am from being a timid, shy, yet joyful little girl

 i am from deep insecurities and hidden wounds, that would ultimately shape the way i wandered through life, learning quickly that humor, entertaining and pleasing others, and shrinking myself to make ample room for others would get me further and help me survive.

I am from longing for approval, wanting to be liked, just wanting to be kept around.

I am from finding Jesus in a personal way at the tender age of 15.

I am from the long journey of placing my worth and identity in Him, 

finding rest where there was so much unrest that i did not fully understand growing up. 

I am from being lost, 

and i am on my way to being found.