[he gives grace to the fumbling humble]

sometimes you never realize the impact or meaning you have on another until some time later. A few weeks back i was asked to be part of a panel of women that would be available for a high school girls retreat. I was honored and humbled to be asked, as the retreat centered around our identity and worth in Christ, as well as our views and hearts concerning relationships, purity, and boys:)...those are all things that are close to my heart, as God has taught me so much, both in hard and simple ways, I was excited for the opportunity to share what little morsels i had.

Oh, but little fleshy little raisin me-i approached this [i wish i could say] with a healthy confidence and assurance in what the Father had equipped me with, but instead, I was doubtful, anxious, and lost. I knew who the other women were that were on that panel, and honestly, I wondered how was i even included. there must have been some mistake. did i slip through the cracks? This group of women was a strong, mature, confident bunch-well spoken, respected and honored in the church-me? I am lucky if i get my kids to sunday school in time..I fell into my old pattern of second guessing myself, and the downword spiral of comparison, and as the afternoon approached, sadly i was already feeling a bit defeated.

I tried to remain small and usable, in whichever way i could, but when it comes to on the fly, off the cuff, answering questions thoroughly-i do not thrive in those circumstances, so i was mute [and probably perceived as dumb and ill prepared.] The other women were kind and perfect for such an occasion, easily bantering back and forth, full of good insight and answers to the in pouring questions, and there i sat, like a sitting duck. I felt useless, stupid, and a flumbering mess. Sure i had all these wonderful grandiose responses to some of the inquiries, but there was some sort of [as usual] disconnect from my brain to my lips and i sounded like a 6 year old when ever i was given platform to speak.

Needless to say, I left that evening discouraged and even smaller than when i arrived. I prayed on the way home asking the Father for forgiveness in allowing my flesh to hinder me from being used. I prayed asking that somehow, despite myself and lack of EVERYTHING, that He might use me in His own way, however He wanted.  I thought maybe the experience was for me to learn more so, than to be a teacher. To remain small and moldeable, to quiet my self, and just be present. I soaked in what the other women offered, and i was learning as if i was another one of the sweet vibrant high school girls.

I came home and my husband, having the quiet discernment and awareness he does, just opened his arms to me and let me take refuge there. His calm assurance let me collapse and be reminded of the Father's endless patience and graciousness despite my [many] shortcomings. 

My heart was that God was be glorified. that He would be magnified and my lack of words [or pile of awkward ones] would be communicated as being cloaked in humility and smallness,  but i walked away feeling misrepresented and like a complete burnt out lightbulb.

I was also reminded that it was not about me, it never is, and i could surrender that evening to Him and let Him be the miracle worker. I had to let go of whatever performance i thought i failed at, and surrender it all to Him. so i did. and peace resounded.

Weeks later, i received a thank you letter in the mail. I was almost brought to tears at what i read. I was humbled to my very core, and so encouraged at the Father's faithfulness. He answered my feeble prayers and to the credit of these beautiful, insightful little ladies, they saw through my weakness, and got the message. I can only bring praise to the Father, to Him and Him alone, for orchestrating and interweaving hearts behind the scenes. How did He even do that?

I am lingering now with thoughts of thankfulness, relief, and incredibly encouraged. I have learned through this to trust my Lord no matter what, and that He moves despite me, and also He does use me, regardless of my own insecurity. He can use my smallness to glorify Himself and that is my heart's desire.