Monday, September 18, 2017

pregnancy chronicles

the usual pregnancy symptoms
that arrive early into the second trimester and on:

restless leg syndrome-my right foot shakes like a 
dog itching behind his ear for ticks, like clockwork, 
it convulses every.single.night starting at 11:30pm 

sciatic nerve-this cripples me at times, even paralyzes in 
its stunning pain, imagine a messy ball of muscles and nerves
all scraping against one another, shooting its way from my 
hip, buttox, and down my leg. 

insomnia-how can anyone sleep with a protruding stomach that 
punches and pushes and shoves at all hours if the night, 
a crazy snazzy leg, and aches and pains all over the place?
sigh. perhaps i'll find sleep when all my children 
move out. 

pounding head aches-i don't want to say i know what a migraine feels like 
because i don't want to undermine friends who really have experienced them..
but i imagine these head aches are close. my head splits in thunderous pain, i can't see, 
i can't think. i feel sick, throw up-ee, and i just want to hide in a very dark and quiet place. 

acid reflux-where the heck did the lava flow come from and lodge itself in my throat?
fire and brimstone, burning inflammation..i wouldn't wish this on anyone..
tums are now my favorite candy at the moment. not. i just need relief!

pregnancy is so weird. and yet, we forget all of this, 
all of the crusty suffering that comes with growing a child in the womb 
for 9 months, and our hearts grow and grow, 
and it swells in the best way as soon as that little one is 
in our arms. 

i want you to know, ari. you are worth it. 
you are so worth it. 
i love you and i am excited to meet you.
and maybe stop getting kicked in the stomach..

14 weeks till delivery..


:)

ss.

you will forget to be 
aware, 
unselfish, and 
thoughtful, 
and it will hurt me at times, 
but i will still be here, 
loving you 
softly
consistently,
anyways. 
you will think only of yourself 
too many times to count, 
because  it
doesn't exactly come naturally 
to step outside 
yourself 
and i will still be here, 
quietly teaching you 
without using words. 
i will get weary. 
tired of getting stepped on, 
taken advantaged of, 
even manipulated at times, 
but because of the Lord's great love, 
i will not be consumed
and i will continue to love, 
to pour out, 
and watch as He transforms you. 
you will leave your kids at my house, 
expecting me to watch them 
and feed them, without 
a second thought. 
you will let your insecurity 
cloud your judgement 
and you will hold me at a distance 
in your fearful suspicion 
even though i have dealt 
with you  only
with sound character 
time and time again. 
you have nothing to fear with me. 
by His grace, 
you can trust me. 
i love you,
in your weakness, 
in your darkest, 
i love you.
 when you walk in flesh 
and not in spirit
i love you. 
i am here. 
i love you not with a human love.
that is too little at times. 
i love you with a Christ love, 
sweeping, 
unconditional,
and persistent. 
i do not point a finger at you, 
rather i point to Christ 
and i ask you to follow Him 
alongside me. 
this friendship is not without 
its hurts, 
its conflicts, 
it's storms, 
but we will weather it, 
for we are in it for the 
long haul. 
my prayer is that He continues to 
soften you with His love, 
that you will recognize 
He rejoices over you with singing. 
you can leave the 
striving, 
the performing, 
the need to be perfect 
at the foot of the cross. 
there is no room for insecurity, 
fear, 
and pride. 
[i preach first to myself]
you can be free to be loved by Him 
and love Him in return. 
that is my consistent prayer 
for you, sweet friend. 
i how you will push against 
this, it is foreign to you, 
and you are afraid to 
trust it. 
i assure you, 
you can. 
i know you know 
of him, 
but do you 
know him?
i want to be here to keep 
directing you to Him,
so someday, 
you yield good fruit,
and you flourish like a palm tree..
i am here. 
i love you at your darkest, 
and i will rejoice as you 
make your way into 
the 
Light..







Friday, September 8, 2017

ari:
hebrew name meaning,

lion.

bengali name meaning,

brave,
inner skin,
eagle

andrew:
strong, manly, courageous

this will be his name.

ari andrew english

longing to meet.

you've been in there
for some time now,
shifting your weight, 
your little limbs,
those tiny fists 
knocking constantly 
on the walls of my 
womb.
you are growing faster 
than i am even taking time 
to comprehend
you will soon be here 
in my arms 
before you or i even 
know it. 
i am glad you are safe and sound 
for now. 
content in the warmth of the 
water,
the cord of life 
attached to me 
your blood flowing just 
fine. 
it is chaos outside.
there are floods rising 
and hurricanes on a 
war path.
our current government 
leaves us with a lot of questions 
and little answers 
and well, 
there is a lot of darkness 
that often seems to 
win sometimes. 
but fear not, my little one. 
the Lord, the Lord, 
He is still good. 
He is the Maker of Heaven and Earth,
and He is the maker of you!
He is on the throne
and He is a powerful, 
thoughtful King.
i will forever bow my knee to Him, 
and i will teach you to do 
the same. 
i want to keep you as safe as i can, 
but i know you are a 
gift given
and ultimately, you belong 
to the One who created you. 
He loves you so much.
He who formed you
He knew your name before 
i knew you existed 
inside me. 
i can not wait to meet you, 
my son.
to touch your cheeks 
and smell your soft baby skin.
i can't wait to hold you, 
to sing to you, 
to teach you of our 
Creator, our Father, 
the God of this world 
and of all living things. 
who knows, 
you might already 
even know Him, 
but that won't stop me 
from telling you about him too.
i love you, 
my boy, 
the fruit of my womb,
my little son. 

tell me 
that
i'm not
f o r g o t t e n.