Sunday, December 9, 2018

heed not

i can't save you. 
i can't save you. 
no one can. 
you have ignored the warnings.
you have plugged your ears to 
sound instruction.
you have put yourself 
in the center of the path of 
and i can not call out to you. 
you will not listen anyways. 
i fear it will take you 
coming to your ruin 
for you to finally see 
how far away 
from the path of righteousness 
you have strayed. 
i am not the Savior. 
i am not the Rescuer. 
but i know Who is. 
and i pray you recognize 
His strong and mighty hand 
when you are deep inside the pit and 
there is no longer 
any way out. 
i wash my hands, 
my conscious clear. 
may God have mercy on 
your soul. 

no weigh.

will there ever come a time when this 
whole healthy 
will get any easier?
will it ever come naturally?
i feel like if i am not 
constantly on alert.
at attention.
body taut and ready for action-
i fail.
and do i even dare face how many times 
i have already failed?
i ate a small mound of candy corn
because it was just 
sitting there. 
i want to punch myself in the gut
for not refraining. 
for mindlessly sipping 
on soda, 
for reaching for the 
peanut brittle when it didn't even sound good.
i keep waking up at 5:30am and i 
still question 
what am i even doing.
i am not getting proper sleep as it is 
with little babies thrashing and screaming 
in the night, 
sometimes throw up and bad dreams 
to tend to.
and to pull myself out of bed in the dark 
yet again,
i am just tired. 
i walk outside, 
the cold hits my face.
the grass shrieks, 
crystal glass droplets scattered everywhere, 
ice cold manna sits on the ground 
and no one is there to pick it up.
my lungs buzz and strain, 
pulling at my ribs,
my heart bangs both from fear and adrenaline,
and i heave to breathe. 
will there come a time when i 
don't think about scrambling for oxygen
and it no longer hurts to run past the 
L shape of my block?
i just want it to be easier. 
a little more effortless. 
i don't want to feel stupid when i say 
no to cake and it doesn't hurt my feelings 
when she rolls her eyes at me
because i don't want to eat skittles at th
birthday party. 
doesn't she know it's been so hard 
just to get this point where i am,
and i am afraid of myself and how quickly i can 
spiral downward? 
that's what got me into this fat 
mess in the first place. 
a bite can quickly turn into a binge. 
just ask the candy corn. 
maybe i just need to stop and reflect on how far 
i have come. 
i left the house with a coat at one painful point
 i could not button or tie the sash.
today i was able to do it. 
my jeans have gone down 4 sizes. 
i can fit into many of my old clothes.
i have more self control.
i feel confident and safe in my little body. 
that matters. 
i can stand before the Father, head down
and allow Him to examine my temple, 
knowing i am caring for this gift He gave me. 
at least i am trying. 
this is far from a linear journey 
from bottom to top. 
so many valleys. 
maybe even some stalls. 
but i keep going. 
i keep climbing. 
every day is a new opportunity to 
keep trying. 
to make good choices 
and to walk in the Light and 
shed the old, saggy weight that 
physically and spiritually 
weighed me down. 
help me. 

koko turns 7.

her sweet pink mouth,
so much space
between each tooth,
she tries to hide behind pursed lips,
but to no avail,
that large smile always
breaks free.
she has got this clever sense of humor,
she always finds a reason to laugh,
to giggle, her little shoulders shake
and it is a favorite to see her
doubled over in a fit of
uncontrollable laughter
and we can't help but laugh too
even though we don't even know
what is going on.
she can sing.
my girl can sing.
always stringing notes together,
letting them take off like
an escaped balloon into the sky,
her voice soars
and i can tell what kind of mood she's in,
based on her singing.
she loves her brothers and sister.
i asked her once
"who is your best friend", thinking she
would respond with a friend from school,
or maybe even a cousin.
she smiles and says, "olive."
i wouldn't have guessed that with
all the hollering i hear between them.
it makes my heart glad though,
to hear them play, to whisper,
and to enjoy each other's company.
i pray they stay this close forever.
my daughter is confident, strong, and thoughtful.
she pushes the hair behind her ears,
and gets to work.
koko is growing too fast 
for my liking, 
asking to borrow my dangly earrings, 
pretending to wear a shirt with no straps. 
how can i hold onto the innocence 
of her youth?
how can i protect her 
from the vicious unforgiving world, 
and yet still point out the 
kinds and tenderness that is rare, 
but it is still out there. 
just like i see in her. 
koko, my prayer for you is that you 
blossom in the beautiful hibiscus flower 
i see you becoming. 
stretching your dewey skin towards the sun, 
i pray you seek out the Son of God 
and you become fragrant with His presence. 
bloom, my little one. 
there is so much for you, 
just for you, 
my darling Koko bean...

Tuesday, December 4, 2018

Roasted Sweet Potato and Spinach Curry

this is one of my go to curries when preparing a meal for a family. It is swift to make, full of wonderful aromas and flavor, and i feel a very good introduction to the vast world of curry land. I never try and sic a spicy, obscurely [although also delicious] ingredient curry on friends who haven't really messed too far deep into that world, but i feel like this sweet potato curry is a good toe dip-[yikes, i don't now if that is the best mental picture sitting next to a food description] and hopefully a whetting of the appetite for a magical world of curry. 

curry is really just a fun word for sauce. there are countless variations varying from country, region, and even at the most intimate level, home to home.  i feel like it is a creative way for a home to share a bit of their own personal touch in sharing their version of beloved curry. 

this is one of mine. my hope is that my children will one day grow up after eating these dishes handed down from their bengali mother, will someday ask for the recipes and make these dishes made with love over and over again. i am trying to write them down as i master them, with the hope they will stand the test of time. 

i have made many variations of even this curry recipe, sometimes i have different vegetables, or even the variety of curry pastes i have on hand, i just adapt and use what i have, because i am trying purposefully to waste less, and be resourceful with what i have already been given. [*type in curry in the search bar if you would like to explore some of my other curry recipes*]

if you see this recipe elsewhere on my blog, you'll now know why-it can be made many ways, but the basics stay fairly the same. 

this would be a great dish for meatless monday, or if you are gluten free, dairy free, or even vegan. it fits all those criteria without compromising on flavor or feeling like you have gotten a full meal. you won't even miss the meat!

the sweet potatoes are roasted in warm spices, then transferred to a waiting pot of a simmering sauce, bits of carm
elized onions add texture and a different level of sweetness, there is a nutty, robust flavor to this curry, and i love the perfect blend of savory and sweet. 

i hope you enjoy! this time around, i made this meal for a family welcoming twins and they went from a family of 4 to 6 just like that! kaylee was very gracious with encouraging words about this dish, i hope you love it as much as her and her family did! 

onto the recipe:

3-4 medium size sweet potatoes, peeled and cut into bit size chunks 
1/2 red onion sliced and roughly chopped
olive oil
1 teaspoon cumin
1 teaspoon madras curry powder
1 teaspoon chili powder
1/2 teaspoon coriander 
a few cranks of Himalayan sea salt 

1 small can curry masaman paste 
1 can of coconut milk
1 1/2 cup fresh or frozen spinach, finely chopped 


preheat oven to 350 degrees.

in a large bowl, toss sweet potatoes, red onion along with cumin, curry powder, chili, coriander, and salt, drizzle with a bit of olive oil before so everything gets coated nicely.

spread on baking sheet covered in foil and pop in oven for 15-20 minutes.

while vegetables are roasting, in a large dutch oven on med heat, scoop masaman curry paste into pot. stir, allowing aromatics to open up and begin to bloom, about 2-3 minutes. 

pour in canned coconut milk. stir, stir, stir. 
add in chopped spinach. 

turn heat down little bit and simmer. 

when sweet potatoes are done, pull out and scrape em' into the pot. 

coat it all and let magic happen. 
squeeze a fresh lime and stir that in as well.

spoon a generous amount of curry over a steaming hot pile of cilantro lime basmati rice and scoop it up with a hot paratha.


Friday, November 30, 2018

i did not ask you to 
zip up my coat 
because i did not know 
or was not capable 
of doing it 
i asked you to zip my coat 
in hopes that you