chain of events-olive's birthstory

the other day we were out and about as a family, bopping from errand to errand, and i asked Nathan, "what is one of your most proudest moments of me?"

i was curious as to what he might say. he paused for a moment, and he replied, "with the birth of Olive."

ah. yes. my heart felt special that he said that. i was immediately flooded with memories and time traveled back in time to those moments and i quietly understood why he may have picked that as a proud moment.

with that, i will tell you her story, because one, i don't want to forget it, two, i want her to be able to read it someday, and three, it is a story worth telling. [any birth story is.]

i can't promise it all makes sense or that it is in perfect, clean order, it was already 7 months ago, and i can't remember as acutely..so bear with me..

Friday, February 29, Nathan has his first performance of Les Miserables in which he is one of the lead male roles. He had been practicing since the beginning of January, 5 nights a week up until opening night 2 months later. We were all singing and reciting the words and lyrics from the play, i now know the song "Do you hear the people sing" in my sleep..;) we understood [naively] the risk in taking on this commitment that there was the possibility Nathan might not be present for Olive's birth-march 1 was her due date. there are no understudies or back up actors. Nathan HAD to be there. so we just hoped he might make be present at both?  i figured it would be ok. it was our third baby after all. pretty routine, right?


so, that friday night, i watched my husband act his little heart out-my heart was bursting with pride for him. He did an amazing job-not a dry eye and in thr theatre, and i may be a little bit biased, but i am almost positive when nathan came out for his bow-the applause erupted louder than before..[insert cheesy proud wife grin]


i stayed pretty late, but I needed to get home because our two olders were at home with a babysitter and i needed to relieve her. Nathan stayed longer but our good friend James was kind enough to take me home. In the car on the way home he joked about me giving birth in the car and if he needed to-he knew how to at least get me to the hospital-but thats as far as he would go-i don't blame him at all:) i got home around 1am.

Tammy was babysitting that night and she even joked too that maybe she should spend the night just in case i had the baby, but we all laughed it off and sent her home-i wasn't feeling anything except for the occasional contraction on and off too far apart to really keep track of, but i think we did on the iphone when we thought of it...tamm stayed and chatted with me-we love talking late into the night and nathan finally made it home around 2:30am.  Tamm left after that and we thought we better get to sleep, after all, my due date was the next day.

Looking back at all this, even at this point, has God's exact timing written all over it. our small prayers had been answered thus far-i was able to attend Nathan's play, and so far, we still had all of saturday, at least until 5pm till he had to be at another show.

4:12 am rolls around, saturday, the first of march, and i am woken up by hard contractions. I definitely feel them, but i don't know ho consistent they are, so i wait in bed a little bit. 4:30, i wake up nathan and ask him to time them..they were about 9-10 minutes apart. So, we think to ourselves, guess we better kind of work our way up and prepare to possibly head to the hospital. i guess i take it back that i didn't feel anything up until that point. i was having contractions here and there, i look at what we jotted down, and i had been having them on friday all during the play-i don't know how i forgot that-but it looks like they were ranging from 7-18 minutes a part, and i had written by some of them "little", as in they were very small ones.  But i really do think my active labor started that saturday morning around 4:30am..

back to where to we are in the chain of events.. i am having consistent contractions, this time about 5-7 minutes a part and nathan called the doctor for me-one of my fears is being sent home-although in this case that would have been unlikely-also, to note-last i had been checked that previous wednesday- she had stretched me to a five because i was only dialated to a 4, 80% effaced.   my other fear was that i would have a male doctor-i never had one deliver and was just horrified at the thought of one of my male doctors having to handle me and that nasty crazy chaotic situation. Not to mention my private parts in all their glory for all the world to see-top that with a staunch grown ass man doctor to witness? no thank you. well....Dr. Turke-one of my male doctors [i see a practice of doctors, not just one] was on call for that day, so my anxiety level went up a few notches, but it shouldn't have. I had been seeing Dr. Turke throughout this whole pregnancy and though he never checked me internally, he was so kind and warm every single visit, and I had built up a good rapport with him-even though my heart of hearts wanted Dr. Bennett [female, FAVORITE doctor of all time] or Dr. Anderson [also, a favorite, female doctor in the practice] to deliver when push came to..more pushing.

Dr. T talked with nathan as i would get on all 4s and breathe through a contraction. Or try and use the small windows of time between to get our stuff together and clean up a little. The doctor was one surprised that i was at a 5, let a lone walking around. He just said once the contractions were 3-5 minutes apart, then head over. He would head over as well and meet us there.

We called my folks around 5am and they headed over. i wanted to labor as much at home as i could, and labor i did. My folks sat on the couch, in whispers, nathan is packing and getting things in the car, and I am on the floor like a dog, contracting fiercely. i tried to remember my friend Jeanne's advise. She had just had her baby at home less than two months before and she had an awesome, clean cut, natural birth. I wanted that too, but in the hospital. She taught me to relax my entire body and imagine it like jello and just let the contraction ride through me. She is a granola nut mom for sure and i did my best to do what she said. I did not clench my body or fists, i tried to be blobby and honestly, i think it did help get me through that first half of contractions.

we left around 5:30 am and as we are driving, the contractions are 4 minutes apart. Sitting in the car buckled up was the worst position ever, so that did not last long. I climbed out of my seat and faced the rear window on my knees and labored some more while Nathan whizzed through the abandoned streets  and made way for St. Mary's.

we arrived somewhere soon after that. the rest of it becomes blurry. i think she checked me a little after 6 and i was worried nothing was happening and i would have to be sent home and keep having dumb contractions. she exclaimed, "How does an 8 sound?" AN 8?????!!!!

the nurse was so encouraging and so excited for me-she said it wouldn't be long now. I thought about the epidural longingly, but i had a feeling it wasn't going to happen. I had no problem with getting it-i have nothing to prove-but my desire is to always see how far i can labor without aide, and then when i need it-i want it to be available to me.  i am thankful that the nurse encouraged me that i was more than able to give birth naturally and to just press through it. She said with how fast i was progressing, it would be faster and more efficient to just do it myself than to have to go through the process of getting the epidural. she said it would slow down the birth and the baby could possibly be lethargic when arriving.
i didn't want that..

okaaay....they didn't keep me in triage very long and whisked me up to labor and delivery. I was very uncomfortable by that time. Those contractions had become wild beasts and i forgot long how to be jelly and laffy taffy or whatever it was that Jeanne said. i wanted to crawl out of my own skin and pull out the massive stick that felt like was jammed up my butt hole.

The nurse that took care of me was a sweet seasoned nurse, she did an excellent job, even if she never said my name right. She let me squeeze her hand during contractions and nathan would bear down on my back and it felt so good to have just the tiniest relief in pressure. The nurse told me about her family and how one son still lives with her-the baby-and another one of her sons committed suicide by overdose and i just tried to focus on her talking but i think i might have glazed over there somewhere in there. I was thrashing everywhere, on all 4s again, but this time,  less dignified-with that shoe string hospital gown that doesn't even cover half your junk-yeah, that's right, my cheerful brown bengali butt cheeks were checking out the breeze, waving at everyone while i wanted to suffocate myself with a pillow.

I kept yelling about having to poop, and there's probably 3-4 nurses in there by now, busying themselves with the arrival of this baby-im the only one who doesn't think that doesn't seem to be happening.

In walks Dr. Turke. cool and calm as a cucumber, I apologize over and over again, wishing he wouldn't have to be here to see this-i am most positive he will be scarred for life. He is reassuring and takes me with grace and humor-he is full of laughter and can't believe i call it a "crotch rocket" and other words i make up in the process of giving birth. There is a resident doctor who is a young woman, she reminds me of my good friend Shaina, and that comforts me. Dr. Turke understands my anxiety without me explaining anything and lets the resident doctor do most of the work. She did all the checking [thank the Lord he did not have to jam his fingers up there to find out how far i was progressing-he would have lost his hand] and she also did the delivery and sewing back up all with his oversight and guidance.  It was a good compromise for me.

When it came to the moment of her arrival, i was still on my hands and knees yelling about pooping and they had to somehow coax me to turn around and move to the edge of the bed. I screamed in protest, but I am glad they gently guided me to that position because i didn't want to give birth that way, like I was dropping the deuce of my life.

I turned around and somehow, at 7:41am, Olive Anandi was born. I pushed her out in two pushes. First her head, and then her slimy little body.

I wanted to go to sleep right then and there. the room was warm and the voices faded into the background and i think I went to la la land. They laid her on me, but my eyes were so heavy and droopy and my legs were wobbly and shaking uncontrollably.

"jana. jana. JANA. " the nurse was firm, but kind. "Look at your baby. isn't she beautiful?" I began to rub her back, all warm and fuzzy, and soothed her. she somehow made her way up my body and was looking to root right away. she had dark beautiful hair and the creamiest colorful skin of all my babies, and i sighed with relief.

I wanted to make sure everyone else was ok and more apologies to dr. Turke. He must have thought i was the craziest coocoo birthing mother ever. More cheerful laughter from him and the nurses, i think they were at least appreciative that I cared about their current state after having to assist me in in all my labor insanity, even if I was a crazy woman. We all bonded in a wonderful colorful way.

Dr. Turke took his family to see Les Mis and watch Nathan perform. Our pediatrician attended also. Those are the kinds of relationships we want to form with our health care providers- I have never felt like just a patient with either of them, dr. turke does such an excellent job at caring for me thoroughly, not just as a client, but as a little woman and mama.

back to birth story:
So, i delivered Olive, and one thing that i do remember all too clearly that this aftermath was much more acute than my last two births. I felt all the sewing and poking and prodding. There wasn't any form of numbing medication or epidural to remove the top part of my body from all the traffic going on down below. It really stung and I felt like I knew exactly when the needle and thread went in and out as they stitched me up.  it was quite a wreck down there, from what i gather..

Seasoned nurse doted on me and Olive and encouraged me to order breakfast. I was feeling pretty good that the worst was over and I would soon be able to just relax with my husband and baby, bee moved up to post birth floor, [the correct name slips my mind at the moment.]

Dr. Turke thought this was a great birth, he was on call, so he joked about being able to go home after only being here for an hour or so. He said I made his job easy;) I was happy to be of help;)

I did eventually get transferred to the mom floor and there was a bit of quiet that I was so thankful for to just rest, spend time with Nathan and our newly arrived daughter. We were so thankful and awed at God's goodness and His perfect timing. Little did we know, we still had to lean on His perfect timing still and this story was not yet finished.

Lunch time rolls around, my family and two older children were able to come and meet their new sister and that was really fun. It was surreal having three of my offspring on the bed with me, my heart was bursting and overflowing with joy and thankfulness and love for our little, yet expanded family.

it was nap times for the two olders, so grandpa and grandma [my parents] whisked them away, that was around 12:30pm, on march 1.

It is rather normal to bleed quite a bit post birth, the nurses are coming in every half hour anyways, pushing on your uterus to help push it down to size.  They push out any excess and usually it tapers off within hours or at least by that night. They give you these ice pack diapers to shove in your underwear, they feel glorious after all the heat and violence of labor.

I was able to shuffle around on my feet and make my way to the bathroom on my own. I would feel the familiar gravity of liquid fall and this time felt no different. I sat on the toilet and with everything being soaked, I need a new pair of underpants, and one of those crotch Popsicles. so i rang for the nurse and waited.

a nurse came in and i asked her if she could just help me change and get new stuff, and she took one look inside my underwear and i saw her eyes widen and quickly turn to concern. I could tell she was trying to remain calm and careful with her words, i think as to not alarm me, which i wasn't, but i definitely noticed a shift. She carefully took a hold of my pile of underwear, and to my horror , not emptying the contents in the toilet where i thought they belonged, instead she wrapped it in a plastic bag. what are you going to do with that sack of blood? save it for lunch tomorrow, miss Hannibal? She spoke to me gently and said it was a lot of blood for me to be losing so soon after birth, it should not be that heavy, let alone in clots the size of a grapefruit.

So, i made my way back to the bed, with help, i could walk, but felt rather weak and wobbly, but still thinking it felt normal to not be super strong and dapper after only hours past giving birth.

I continued to bleed clots and had to be changed very often. The resident doctor Shaina [i call her] came in and sat on the edge of my bed and had a hard conversation. She said we had to figure out where the blood loss was coming from, could there be a tear in my uterus? They got all the placenta out i was sure- i saw it swim its way out that very morning and although i was thankful it had served its purpose well, i had said my goodbye to that big juicy 5 lb burger.

Dr. Shaina also wanted to rule out some things. She explained that my uterus was not contracting properly, which it should so it can shrink back down to its original size. the contracting also helps with the blood flow. At this point, I had lost quite a bit, so she did not want to frighten me, but frightened i was at what she told me next. She would have to go in, and i mean PHYSICALLY GO INSIDE MY UTERUS with her hand and what she called "MANUALLY EXPRESS" me. She had to dig out any extra clots and check for damage. She explained that sometimes in fast births, in this case, i totally qualified, the uterus does not know what just happened, and forgets to begin the contraction process to get rid of excess blood and bring down the uterus size.

She was going to give me some sort of hard core pain medication because she told me it would hurt like hell and i was so reluctant to take it, not because I'm some sort of bad A, but because i was worried it was addicting or something.  She assured me taking it once would not hook me.

it was the most awkward, painful, excruciating, horrible, awful, hellish thing ever. i don't even know how to explain it. it was worse worse worse than giving birth. It was against all nature to to be reentered by way of fist and to have her scrape the inside of my uterus was just the worst. I did not scream or make a scene. i cried silently and could not stop shaking. I held onto my husband's hand for whatever shred of strength i had, and tried to direct the pain in the squeeze and riveting my eyes on him.  Nathan was such a source of strength and peace to me. I praise God again and think, if he would not have been able to be there? i am one hundred percent i would have died. i  am sure it sounds dramatic. God had provided a way for my husband to be present with me because of His love for me and because He knew i would be too weak in every way to experience this alone.

The doctor dug out more softball clots of blood. They would be placed in a bag and weighed.  in general, the hemoglobin count should be at a 12, and mine went down to a 5. I had lost over half my blood and had grown very weak and could not stop shaking and shivering.

More doctors were called in and out, lots of hushed whispers and concerned faces of nurses trafficking in and out. I had to have my bed changed a couple times without getting out of bed. I was rolled around like a log and wasn't strong enough to keep my chippy attitude updated. i just felt so drained [literally] emotionally, and i was scared. so scared. there was talk about taking my uterus completely out, one doctor's words: "if we have to have a choice between no uterus or saving mom, we choose mom. we save mom." i was devastated.  Take out my uterus? no more birth babies? I was heart broken and just could not believe we were having these kinds of conversations. it was all just so bizarre and horrible.

Here i had had a wonderful natural clean cut birth just earlier that morning, met my beautiful perfectly healthy daughter, and now, this afternoon i am bleeding to death.

They would have to manually express me one more time to clean me out once more and check again for tears. The second time was worst than the first and i almost couldn't take it. I held onto nathan freezing cold and humiliated and exposed. i was stripped of all dignity and i was the weakest i ever was. i tried to focus on him and squeeze his hand, but i could barely hold onto it. tears were rolling and all the sudden i couldn't hear anything. Nathan grew fuzzy and  i couldn't see him. i thought Jesus was taking me home. We both kept saying "i love you i love you" and crying and it was all so heart breaking. I was thinking of my other babies and wondered if they would be taken care of and my heart ached with missing my family already.  Tons of nurses were moving around in slow motion and i just glazed over. The doctor had stopped what she was doing and they tended to me. I had felt like i was loosening from earth or something but i came back. i came back.  later it was explained to me that my blood pressure had dropped extremely low as more blood was being taken out, that was why i had that experience.

Eventually, they decided on pitocin [funny, i had hoped to not get that, i only had it for my first birth, and was adamant against it since] but they needed it to cause my uterus to contract and it worked. it worked. it swelled in and out like an accordion and the bleeding slowed down considerably.  there were no tears and damage done to my uterus internally, so that was a gift from heaven.

i was closely monitored the rest of the day and into the night. Where i would have been so delighted to have visitors galore and be loved and doted on by close ones, i just couldn't do it this time. i was so tired and a bit traumatized by the day's events.

Saturday continued and nathan had to leave for another performance. He cried and did not want to leave me, but i was stabilized by then [at least for the moment] and i assured him i would be ok.  My mom and sister came to be with me and that was so balming to my soul. I could rest and not be "on" and i wasn't alone. Just having them be in the room talking in gentle tones, and serving me in whatever way they could, was just the hands and feet of Jesus to me.

The next morning, which was sunday, they decided to give me 2 pints of blood. They said i was too weak to try and replenish it fast enough in time to go home and care for the rest of my family, and recover and heal along with . oh, i don't know..giving birth?!

It took all day and into that night to get the blood in my system. It felt so weird. It felt like buzzing and cold under my skin and i watched it travel from the clear tubes above my head and race down the straw into my hand...i just hoped my body would accept this life giving gift.

Somehow, i made it home with a new daughter and was i ever thankful to the Father for His hand and divine mercy on my little body and soul and never leaving or forsaking me. or even taking me:) He had given me so many gifts and treasures in between all the madness and chaos. By God's grace, i had found favor and a sweet camaraderie with all the doctors and nurses that came in touch with me. I was not anything special, but they loved and cared for me beyond the normal protocol. the nurses would find reasons to come into my room, if only just to talk and laugh with me, and serve me. I was so taken care of. The doctor Shaina had so much compassion and gentleness for me, she hugged me lots of times and told me i was the best patient she ever had. [im sure she told everyone that;)] she had been with me since the beginning and thought i was so funny, she told me i was so strong and tough and could take so much pain with ease..no one had ever told me that before and i tucked her encouraging words in my heart. I wish i would have gotten her real name. I tried to convey to her how thankful i was, but i wish i could tell her again.  Another nurse and i hit it off right away because she walked in and took a huge whiff and said. "ahhhh. what's that smell? it smells like eucalyptus essential oil! mmmm!" anyone who knows and shares the language of essential oils is a friend to be had:) She brought me sandwiches and yogurt from some secret stash somewhere in between meals, and that is also a love language for sure.

The nurses were so uplifting and encouraging and told me stories of other women who had similar experiences that i had except they were screaming bloody murder and thrashing and going berserk. i think, in my tiny humility, they appreciated that i trusted and valued them, and tried not to feel entitled or that they owed me anything- i really felt that way- and in turn, they served me all the more.
This again, i attribute all to the kindness of my Father, and His goodness. May He be praised if they saw the Light in me.

Nathan was with me. Nathan was with me. He was there for all the important, scary, beautiful parts, and I am just so thankful that my husband , my life line was with me. He is my love and I am so humbled by his attentiveness, his servant heart, and steady strong spirit. He encouraged, was affectionate and aware at all times, used a gentle and tender tone with me, and anticipated my needs and did his best to meet them. No one in all the world has cared to know my insides and outsides like Him. He was a quiet presence that mirrored the presence of my sweet Jesus. so thankful.

This was quite the birth story, and it has the hand of God written all over it. Don't all birth stories? So, Olive Anandi, if you ever read this, please know you. were. worth. it. every bit of it. I love you and i am honored and humbled to be chosen to be the vessel for which you were formed in, and humbled yet again to be your mama on this earth.

You are beautiful and I fell in love with you quickly. Your dark hair, your almond brown sparkly eyes, and the hint of bengali skin that holds your insides.

Thank you, Jesus, for all that You have done, and all that You are still doing.

that's the end i guess. for now:)
thanks for stickin' it to the end...if anyone did....hello? cricket sounds*