a terrible terrible feeling,
misplacing your child,
panic and fear wasting no time
to suck the life right out of you.
it was one tiny moment.
we lingered a little too long,
petting the llamas and the goats,
live nativity after all,
a learning moment i was hoping for
the Christmas story,
being so much more
than a story,
real life.
i wanted my children to recognize that
as they stroked the fur
of the goat,
and looked into the
rugged barn animal's eyes.
we caravanned our way inside,
my sister and her children
mixed in with mine,
we immediately did a head count
as we always do
there should always be six
six is the magical number of completeness
at least for us..
and one head was missing.
i scanned the narthex,
the double doors,
even the hall before us,
no little tiny norah hidden in them.
i galloped outside and barely containing the
freezing cold fear in my voice,
i asked the animal herders and a few stragglers,
"have you seen a little girl?
she is wearing a blue winter hat with
tiny hearts on it."
they looked at me with concern and
nodded their heads no.
i stumbled past them,
in the dark,
tonight was especially cold,
snow was littered everywhere and only
a few candles tucked inside
empty milk cartons
lit the night.
she could be anywhere.
my heart broke in a million pieces after i ran
deep into the parking lot
yelling for my daughter,
people staring helplessly.
i circled the building and yanked open the doors.
i looked for my sister who was
shepherding
the rest of our offspring
and i just couldn't hold in my sorrow and sickness
any longer.
i began sobbing and told my sister
i couldn't find her outside at all.
she remained calm and her eyes and mouth told me
"we'll find her. we'll find her."
some kind gentleman, i think he was dressed as an inn keeper,
took my arm and led me-
blindly walking
with tears everywhere,
gasping for air
and said in between my labored breaths,
"we'll find her."
i repeated sloppily what my 5 year old daughter was wearing
and stumbled into the
large multipurpose room where we were
intending to go in the first place
before i left my motherhood behind
and lost track of my daughter.
i could barely see
behind my sobbing shaking body
my glasses all caked with steam and
smeared mascara
and there she was,
in the arms of a wise man
looking for me too.
she reached out for me her body
trying to get to me
as i was reaching for her.
she crashed into my arms
and i fell on my knees
and we both cried and cried
and clung to each other.
i could not pull myself together.
i kept whispering
"i am so sorry baby! i am so sorry"
and little koko shook and buried herself deeper into
my body
and said. "i looked for you mommy
and i couldn't find you!"
i know we made a scene,
there in the middle of the carpeted gathering room
but i didn't care.
dignity or no dignity
i had lost my daughter and now she was
found.
my heart was crying,
my eyes were crying,
my soul was crying.
my sister was there to offer her grace and quiet peace,
to console me and tell me it was ok
to lose my shit every once in a while.
no shame here.
it was the worst ever
and oh how it gave me a deeper compassion
for mothers and fathers who
have missing children
and a little bit of their soul dies
in the waiting and
in the forever looking.
i only got a glimpse of that deep sorrow.
and it slammed into me
heavy like an icicle plummeted
into my heart.
my sweet little norah.
i never want to let her
out of my sight again.
she is my tender one,
like me.
she was just as afraid and sick as i was.
when we got home that night
she burrowed into my bed
and we snuggled
tightly for a
very
long
time.
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