Heaven had a brain
and the beginning of a mouth
His heart began beating
twice as fast as mine.
I loved him as soon as I knew
he might be staying for a while.
Six weeks Heaven was
inside my womb-
Nathan just laughed heartily
and clapped his hands
when he discovered Heaven was real.
Sleeping soundly
with a smile on my lips
I woke, 3:30 in the morning
feeling warm, rich fluid flowing down.
Terrified. Frantic. Helpless.
Nathan rushed me to the ER
Oh, God, Keep Heaven near me.
Please don't take him.
I want him.
I love him.
Doctors and nurses running all over the place
Stuffed me in a room
told me to strip down.
My body was frozen.
Nathan paced, brushingthe
hair from my forehead,
trying to assure me with his eyes,
but sadness catches the light
and I feel his worry.
They make us wait and wait.
So many tests and procedures.
I'm still bleeding all over the place
I feel so weak and beaten
Exhaustion takes over
My husband and I
try to keep our eyes open-
praying Heaven is still ours.
A doctor with an obnoxious bowtie steps in
I see his eyes are kind and gentle
He says he has to study the Ultrasound
Trying to find any sign of Heaven
All I see is a blur of colory bowtieamidst the tears forming in my eyes.
More waiting.
The sun has begun to rise.
A new day has begun.
We are still waiting for something.
Anything.
Doctor Bowtie returns.
He sits down at the foot of my bed.
"It looks like Heaven didn't make it."
I am numb, but I still manage to feel pain.
Nathan drops his head in his hands.
Tell me it's not true.
My baby, Heaven.
I could faintly hear the Doctor explaining
something about an eptopic pregnancy
which means the little one tried to make a home in one of my tubes-and that would not be good for either of us.
Ok, God. You can keep Heaven.
I won't fight You for him,
If You need him more than I do,
although I cannot imagine how.
Oh Heaven. I'll miss you.
Know that your mother loved you more than anything.
I'll be looking foward to meeting you someday.
Little Heaven English -Dec 2007-January 25,2008
2 comments:
Jana - I love your poems. You are so good with words. If you can't tell - I'm stalking your blog right now.
I wish I had read this a year ago. We lost our first babe in a miscarriage as well - in May 2010. It was completely devastating at the time, but we are so thankful for God's faithfulness in giving us this little boy growing in my womb now. I just loved reading this, because finding women with similar experiences was crucial for my healing process.
So thankful you have your little Benjamin now too. :-) Just wanted to thank you for your transparency with this.
just found and read this post. made me get a little tearful, jana. darling little Heaven-boy... one day you'll hold him in your arms, i think. i really do think so.
my little first born is up there with him, too. incidentally, she has the same name as the baby you're about to give birth to. :) full circle.
brooke
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