A Burnin' Hole

I am relieved. I am even a little proud. I'm excited that Jesus at this very moment, can dig deep inside my heart of hearts, and find something missing.

What's missing? Some unsavory thoughts. Ungodly thoughts that once swarmed my mind and they would not be abandoned. Not at any cost. I pushed my sweet Jesus aside, my commitment to marriage and love for my husband aside, even the Holy Spirit convicting me of wrong-all for what, an emotional affair I chose to engage in, knowing full well, how evil and wrong it was.

Last summer I was full fledged thinking constantly about this man that was NOT my husband way too often. It started with a glance, and after entertaining my mind with just the tiniest ideas, it blew up. No, I never had sex with this man. No, I never even had enough contact enough with him for there to be any evidence of a "relationship", but my mind, oh, my mind, crossed the line and sinned against the Almighty God.

This had been ongoing for about 2or 3 months and I had long since let go of even wrestling with it. At first I would try and fight it, ignore it, even pray a little about it, but the more I clutched this precious, it became an idol, and nothing else mattered. I would plan my day around it. I if I knew I might see him, I would carefully pick out a crisp clean uniform accordingly. I would find excuses to interact with him, and of course when I wasn't near, I tucked myself away in my dream life or thought life and thought about him.

It disgusts me now, how low I stooped. Why it mattered to me so much, I don't know. It was so stupid and ridiculous. I don't even have any kind of excuse. My husband has ALWAYS been faithful and SO good to me. Attentive, unselfish..this was just something I thought i could keep on the side. Um, NO. Absolutely not.

On to the DELIVERANCE part. God had spoken and I had ignored. God had convicted, and I pretended I hadn't felt it. Yet, Jesus Christ, in His divine mercy, in His great love for me, still chose to reach me out of the pit, and help me rid myself of this filth.
It had taken me being stripped of my eye sight, (remember the demon eye?) Of course He didn't inflict my eye with this horrible disease, but I believe He did see it coming and would plan on using it for my much needed transformation.

I was still clutching to this affair when my eye was diagnosed with acanthomeba of the right eye. A horrible blob of parasites that infested my eye and would take forever to die. I had to quit my job. I was snatched from any kind of light (it was horribly painful to my eyes) and was left flat on my back. There I was, in darkness, all alone, in pain, and sadness, in complete brokenness when God began to speak once again.

So soft, so gentle, I was ashamed to hear Him even speak to me. I felt like such a loser, like absolutely nothing. No beauty, no personality, nothing to give, but tears. And I knew what He wanted.

Surrender. Open palms. A shattered vessel in desperate need of a Saviour. Long since overgrown weeds to be pulled by the Gardner's hands. A renewed mind that belonged to Him and His ways. Was I willing this time? I was.

It took quite a bit. I didn't EVER want to be in that place again, a place of full fledged pride and arrogance. A place of ignorance and indifference to the Master ever again. I didn't even want to begin a path down that road. I quit my place of employment at the time permanently because I wanted to remove all things that had anything to do with that man. Once I had confessed and repented, I knew the Lord expected CHANGE, and that is what I wanted to give Him. I wanted there to be NO HINT of anything.
I had to retrain my mind and spirit to take intrusive thoughts captive and choke the living daylights out of them. I had to tell my closet friends. My husband, and my best girl friends. It's no easy thing causing disappointment and hurt in the ones closet to you. Yet, they all forgave and loved me and committed with me to be accountable.

I feel stupid to have to be asked, but if that's what it takes to live a life worthy of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, than so be it.
So be it.

That was 9 months ago. Removing of the rot, and being given a new robe by the King of Kings, and placing my life and heart in His hands. I hadn't seen the gentleman since and I 'm glad. Jesus didn't give me more than I could bare. Call me weak, but, well, call me weak! I know my limits and what I shouldn't be meddling with, and seeing him around would not have helped the healing process. It would take time and God's perfect strength to transform me in my weakness.

I bring this all up because I recently just DID see him. I was shopping with my son and a friend, and there he was walking past. He stopped to say hi and we chatted for a couple minutes then I sent him on his way. I wondered what I would feel. If all that work would get thrown out the window and I'd fall prey to my old sin. But I didn't!

Praise God it meant nothing to me, and I was able to walk away the new transformed Jana and not the old, nasty Jana, I immediately spoke up to Jesus and asked Him to examine my mind and motives. I then asked my friend who was with me (she happens to be one of the close ones who keep me accountable) if she would ask me how I was later, because my temptation would be to tuck this interaction away and dwell on it later..All steps that need to be taken if I am in an active battle, which I am. If I'm not currently fighting, than I'm sitting like an open target, waiting to be attacked.

I am just so overjoyed where God's grace has taken me and where I stand today. I believe that brief encounter was a test of His mighty spirit within me and if I could discern evil from good. I choose YOU, Jesus. I choose YOU.
Thank you, my sweet Father for Your amazing Love and work in my life. Thank you for your forgiveness and unbelievable mercy and walking me through the valley into the Light.

All praise to You, my Lord.