It's time again for me to step outside of myself and be thankful. Forget the messes inside my head. Set aside my selfishness and self absorbed problems. God is GOOD and has been CONTINUALLY faithful.
I am struggling again with feelings of inadequacy, a tightened chest of feeling threatened and replaced, and I'm angry with myself for giving into these emotions all over again when it seems the Lord just brought me out of this difficult lesson.
I have created some new relationships and opened and poured out where I felt the Lord had guided me to. I am happy to share in all that I have, whether it be, my home, my food, my friends, my inner circle of what is important to me. Without my selfish flesh giving out, my desire is to give and love freely, without expecting some sort of return. But of course, my flesh claws its way to the top sometimes..
With all this sharing, I feel as though sometimes it is taken for granted, or even taken advantage of sometimes. Its like I feel cast aside, now that what I've given was enough, there's no more need for me really. I am confused and hurt. I know Jesus holds my heart and sees all, and His request for humility never changes. I don't get to approach this situation with any less humility or graciousness. We love because HE loved. Not because of any single ounce of myself did a good job.
Uck. I just want to forget it and let it go. I've been praying about this constantly, sharing my heart with Nathan-he in fact, is going through a similar situation, but is handling it with much more thoughtfulness and wisdom than I ever could. I don't know how he maintains a self controlled spirit, full of grace, when he has been betrayed in some ways, competed against, and used of all his resources, only to be cast aside and found little use for. I want to be on the attack for his sake, put someone in their place for him, but he is good at setting his feelings aside, and to think rationally and still see others through the love of Christ, and nothing less.
I ought to follow in his example. He pointed out to me, why do you think one would even want to undermined you? What do you think the motive is? Is it possible there is some insecurity there as well? You have been given much. Is it worth all your trouble that someone would try and grasp even just a little of what you have? Approach this with love and compassion. See the heart of it, and let it go. You are secure in Christ. Your close friends are yours and will not soon cast you aside...
Sigh. I know. I feel like I'm not painting an accurate picture of what exactly is going on, but I'm just trying to be careful as to not set fire to any flames if this happens to reach certain eyes..not that it matters anyways. I should stop dwelling on it and get to what I was going to write about anyways. Being THANKFUL, right?!
I'm sorry. I make such a mess of things some(all)times. Jesus must think I am such a hothead. Lord, Lord!! Clean my heart out! Wash me clean, and strengthen my spirit with a heart consumed for YOU and others. Help me forget me. Altogether. Jesus I crave the fruits of the spirit! Especially peace, patience, kindness, and self control! Give me a passion to love deeply and unselfishly. Protect my heart from hurt and arrows of harsh words or actions. Oh, God. Get. In. Here!!!
Well, you like that crazy time? If you know me, you know I'm a big fat mess in need of Jesus. I'm always battling or struggling with something..let's take a breather and focus on HIS goodness.
these summer nights have been amazing. my spirit has been lifted by the warmth of the sun, long dog days, and time slowing down.
fresh, clean water has flowed nice and easy, refreshing my body and tongue on dry afternoons. I've increased my water intake and my entire body has never felt better.
husband of mine. these days (pretty much our entire marriage) Nathan is full of wisdom and encouragement for my fragile heart. praying on my behalf, pursuing me, being such a help in the home, I have come to lean on him more in this 5th year than ever before.
friendships. as much as I've created a few new ones, the ones that I've had in my corner long term have grown richer and stronger. yes, conflict arises (we are all sinny babies) yet, they are still here. I feel oftentimes newbies "fall in love" with me-the funny, boisterous, crowd pleasing Jana, but when they stop feeling entertained, they pull back, and leave me where they found me. My true friends are the ones who love me unconditionally-when I'm quiet or greasy haired, or there's a demon in my eye, or I haven't got much to offer-I'm so thankful their love has gone unwavered. you know who you are.
mama time. these moments with my children will never be returned to me-I only get them once. how rich and delightful it has been to witness the wonder and curiosity of my son, Benjamin and watch as he thirsts after life. And Norah, precious Norah. her sweetness, her content spirit, she gives me hope for a fragrant tomorrow. I have never enjoyed being home more than I have now.
Lord, thank you for softening this heart of mine. Teach me to counteract flesh with Spirit. Teach me to replace insecurity with confidence in the TRUTH. Teach me to not question, but to give thanks in all things.
I love You so much.
If you're reading this (I never assume anyone does) I pray Jesus speaks to you somehow through my weakness and He is ultimately glorified and loved more.
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