If You Really Knew Me

for fun. but kind of serious.

If you really knew me

You'd know that I appreciate the quiet as much as I love laughter and movement. I love to be with others, talking and laughing it up, smiling big and hearty, and surrounded by friends. BUT. I also love being at home, in the consistent ebb and flow of my fortress, content with my own company, reflecting and taking time to think and pray, and be..almost boring. who would have thunk it?

You might catch glimpses of me up stairs plopped on the floor in the hallway, at the feet of my piano, singing to Jesus, or learning a new song, while my little ones play around me, sometimes stopping to listen or even trying to join in.. You'd know I'd be shy to share my own music, so I'd just disguise my real voice and laugh, hoping you'd forget to listen and move on..

If you really knew me

You'd know I am most uncertain of the things I'm good at. Because I would never want anyone to think I was arrogant or think I'm trying to be something I'm not. I create something with joy and pleasure, but offering it to others is always a question, never an assumed cat in the bag. I cook and I love to do it, but I will never think I'm an expert at it. I will always continue to learn. I love to sing and worship, but I will always be aware of my tiny girl voice, and the oomph behind it isn't very strong. I just want to be a blessing in these 2 areas more than anything.

You would know I fear a lot. I fear people. I fear thoughts. I fear beautiful, confident women, even though I might qualify for that category-I don't see myself that way. I fear the unknown, the unexpected, even the dark. I've been afraid of it since I was 6 because I was at someones house and they watched an old creaky version of the Phantom of the opera, and for some cruel reason-afterwards everyone left the room, shut all the lights off and locked me in the room in the pitch black. my mind was fresh with images of darkness.my little spirit was terrified.

You might then know that I am all too aware of the spiritual realm that rages around us. I am sensitive to good and evil and must protect my eyes, heart, and mind from allowing evil to grasp me quickly before I feel as though I'm being swallowed up. I don't watch horror movies of any kind. If I do, I will have nightmares and evil manifests itself in all too real of ways; I have to scream out to Jesus to fight on my behalf. And He does. Every time. I have sensed when evil is lurking, dreams have always been vivid and mean more. I love that line, " the enemy, he has to leave, at the sound of Your great Name", because I know how true it is from firsthand experience. Oftentimes my body grows cold and the Spirit within me is active and alive and I am aware of the power of the Holy Spirit that is stronger than any demon or deceptive serpent that is at hand. I have been attacked physically, emotionally, and mentally, and since being married, the attacks are considerably less as Nathan bathes me in prayer and also fights on my behalf.

If you really knew me

You would know I have been humbled much. Pride, arrogance, a hardness against the Holy Spirit all have had a turn wreaking havoc in my heart, and the Lord in His mercy, has stripped me many times, in order to remove those sins from me and to fill me with Himself. I have let selfishness, vanity, and bitterness become my necklace, and again, the Lord Jesus Christ had to cut it from my neck, which then I was able to see it was actually a chain choking the life out of me and sweet Jesus has given me pearls of grace, meekness, and humility instead. Because I have been forgiven much, I love [Him] much.

You would know I continually fail Him and embarrass myself, but He is teaching me my actions and sacrifices don't impress him, it was a free gift from the beginning, and He will never, ever love me less. I lean heavily on His grace and mercy, but I strive for holiness, because that is what He has asked of me.

If you really knew me

You would know I don't deserve the husband I have. I give Nathan attitude all the time, complain and argue, and he responds in gentleness and a non defensive spirit. Nathan provides, and I whine that I want to be rich. Nathan works 2 jobs, and I pout about not seeing him enough. He plays cars with Benjamin and feeds Norah, and I bark about all the responsibility I have around the home.
I'm a dumb wife, but I'm learning to die to those things, and be a servant wife to Nathan. To accept that He thinks highly of me and chooses to be with me, and I want to glorify God's kingdom with Nathan. not by myself.

If you really knew me,
i guess you'd realize that I'm not a big deal at all, and actually agree with me when I say I'm just a tiny baby person who isn't anything.
But Praise God the Father He still chooses to use the lowly in order to make His name great. I have nothing of my own to cling to, so it leaves me continually desperate for Him and His love, and His goodness.
Oh, how You are so good to me my Lord.