remember the redemption?

It was October of 2010, more than 3 years ago,  I was battling the demon in my eye, hard lessons were being learned, and God was moving. I remember a moment at church, when my beauty had clearly been taken from me, my joy was feeble, and i was a complete wreck. I hardly even went to church because I was so self conscious about my fat juicy eye, and it was super painful and sensitive to light. Nathan and I had stepped down from the worship team, my job, and I was inserting probably a million different medicines and eye drops every 2 to 4 hours and completely overwhelmed.

Not a enjoyable time to say the least, but certainly pivotal to my spiritual walk with the Father of Light, and a much needed time of transformation and refinement. I was working to let go of deep rooted sin, sexual sin, and a sin of unfaithfulness to my husband, as well as to my heavenly Father. He was stripping me of comfort and security, so I would be desperate and realize how much I needed Him and truly how black the sin smeared all over me was.

This season isn't my favorite to go back to often, but I do, because I had never experienced the very presence of God more. He spoke to me daily, revealed Himself through miracles and through the wisdom and kind words of others. He affirmed me, taught me, and hugged me tightly. Because of this season of brokenness, I never desire to be 'big' again. I set aside the glamorous, pride filled life, and put on humble rags, but they are clean rags. Oh, how they have been washed by the blood of the Lamb, and shine white as diamonds! The diamonds I wear don't show up through the world's eyes, in fact, they might look quite pitiful. My beauty is different too. This time, it comes from the inside, a joy unwavering, instead of the makeup, shiny mirrors, and caked on mascara.

Back to the moment at church: I was painfully aware of my uncomely appearance, and Nathan and I were standing in the back, and I just remember Will, Michael, and Daniel all coming around me and just pouring the affection of the Father on me. Will was telling us how much they missed us on the worship team, and Daniel was ruffling my head like a kind father, but it spoke volumes in my love language, and I was humbled that the untouchable could be touched without grimace. And Michael, sweet Michael, you know what he said to me? And these are all incredible, godly, handsome men, who are respected and loved in our church community. Michael said to me, "It is not possible for your beauty to be taken away. You could never not be beautiful." whaaaaaaat? Jesus, is that You? How could anyone say that to me? At a time when I clearly was NOT pretty in any way. My heart sat in my throat and I whispered a soft thank you to Jesus for using these brothers to uplift my raw and tender spirit.

I just go back to this moment because as much as God did a number on me, and my flesh was burned and weakened, it still, at least in this life, cannot be completely eradicated until He comes again. Every day is still a battle. My mind knows. My heart knows. But my flesh is still drawn to sin. A good picture of this is Nathan's grandpa explaining the world of smoking. He smoked for years, and finally quit. It's been years since he's had his lips on a cigarette. Of course the pull to smoke is not nearly as strong as it was when he was quitting, but he says, "man, that smell. It is so enticing, I could pick up a cigarette today and just start smoking again." I know my own flesh. I know my weaknesses. If i smell the smell of a brewing emotional affair, how quickly could I follow it to destruction.

The other day, Nathan was out of town and i was up late at night. For some reason, a guy popped in my head out of nowhere, a man i have not thought of for over 5 years! what the heck?! I had a stupid whatever with him when Nathan and I were first engaged, and that was another sin that Jesus had to rip out of me. So for me to even think about that guy, I've got NO business. Well, I was stupid and in a ridiculous moment of implusivety combined with flesh, I contacted him. 5 years later?! What the hell was I doing?!!! it was only a small interaction, and he had no idea who I was because he didn't recognize my number, but how FAST can sin entangle you!! i went from thinking about him momentarily, to trying to talk to him?!! stupid, stupid, stupid, STUPID!!
So I write all this, to WARN MYSELF! WARN ANYBODY!! sin is no game. It is destructive, consuming, fleshy, and arrogant. It thinks it knows best and what it can and can not handle, but really, we are to flee it. Because of that small bout if weakness, I had to tell my husband the next day everything and ask for his forgiveness for my moment of unfaithfulness. I hurt people around me with that sin. I hurt the Father with my rebellious and reckless behaviour.

That girl is not my identity. I desire to live in the light. To be transparent and broken, and walk a desperate and needy sinner, eager for the Father to breathe life in and through me. I do not desire a life outside my husband or with any other man, both physically or emotionally. i am broken, I am broken, I am broken. Sometimes the flesh wins, but the Spirit blows mightily.

I am forgiven. I am above nothing.

the old has gone. the new has come.