dear G,
I want you to know
you have my full respect
and I never have questioned once
answering to your authority.
a lot of our relationship
is me submitting
and walking in obedience
following your [very] specific instruction.
I don't want you to think
I ever begrudgingly,
passive aggressively
do what you ask.
i think sometimes it's just a battle
receiving your constant correction
and sometimes
i blur the line between
correction and criticism
either way
its hard for my soft heart to take.
If i seem quiet and forlorn
its me fighting discouragement
because I want to do well
under your leadership,
but sometimes
i feel less watered
and more
not even close to measuring up.
My tender heart wants to worship
to the King,
in freedom and in truth
I want to flourish and grow
as a worship leader
and never be a distraction or a
train wreck.
I just humbly ask
what your expectation is of me.
I feel small and weak
beneath your commands
beneath your constant
watchful and all too aware eyes and ears
but I trust your wounds.
I know they can be trusted.
I just ask that you always be gentle,
always be patient and kind,
and take time to encourage
if there is any strength and ability
you [may] see in me.
I know somewhere in me
by His glory alone
is a gift and passion for worship.
I love to lift my voice to Jesus,
no matter how feeble
and I love to dance my fingers across the keys
no matter how they may trip
and my prayer is that
He would always
only
be glorified.
With you, sometimes I feel lost
and disappeared
in the pile of synthesizers
and electronic sound
I don't even have much experience with it,
but I have always played it
when you asked.
Sometimes I feel like you demand perfection
and i just can't.
I guess I'm not sure
what I'm even asking of you,
maybe shed a little grace
on this little musician?
Maybe don't be so hard on me
when my hands are not continually
on that [blasted] synthesizer
and [would it be ok] if I play the piano sometimes?
[it is my first love, after all.]
With all this said,
I still find joy in leading under you.
Jesus has taught me more
about active humility
and possessing
a small and moldeable spirit
[here]
more so than other areas in my life.
It is not only
submitting to you,
but submitting to my Father,
and trusting His goodness,
His faithfulness
and walking in obedience
no matter how low I am brought.
In turn, I can only hope and pray
it equipps me to be a better
worship leader,
a praiser of our King.
2 comments:
oh jana...how i learn so much from you about being small. i often think of our conversation over coffee am so grateful for your love for Jesus and your walk with Him. He is so pleased with you, dear one. smiling down upon you whether singing, playing, changing poopy diapers, growing the wee one in your belly, or lovin on your hubby. He smiles. because He knows you are His and He is yours. always. and. forever. love you!
Thank you, honored Stephanie, for your words of honeycomb. It is hard to walk in weakness and in tenderness, but that is where He has me, and it is where I want to be. I appreciate very much your uplifting words and always pointing me back to Him and glorifying him, no matter what I am doing. thank you.
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