1985, Dhaka, Bangladesh

i don't think about you often enough 
but sometimes i do and 
all these huge question marks 
spill out
and i scramble about-
try and gather the mess of them 
and put them back while 
looking frantically 
for a lid. 
right now, though, 
the lid is off 
and i want to know more. 
what did you look like?
are you even real?
did you love me?
do you remember me?
are you real.
what color is your skin?
were you ever loved?
do you know when my birthday is?
do you think about that day 
when you let me slip through your fingers 
and handed me over to the ladies 
in white and blue?
is it with sadness or relief 
in which you remember 
if even at all?
did you want to keep me?
did you wish i never formed in your tiny body?
and what of him?
where is he?
what became of the two of you?
does his name invoke fear and anger in you?
or is there a remnant of him
that is met with fondness. 
i can't imagine it would.
but i don't know. 
i don't know anything about you at all. 
i've been told many stories 
but deep in my heart 
that's all i know them to be. 
just stories. 
not fact. 
no real witness of you 
or your life 
or your thoughts. 
who really knows what happened 
that late autumn day 
in 1985 
in rural Bangladesh
the day a tiny baby entered the world 
cord freshly cut, 
not yet even dry 
and she traveled no further 
than to be dropped off at 
the local orphanage
or maybe you had to travel by foot 
tripping over soggy dirt 
an empty uterus 
to keep you company 
and knowing soon 
you would have nothing to show for it. 
sigh. 
are you real?
where are you?
are you alive?
where are the damn records??
not even one?
how i long to
[when i allow myself to]
just be given a glimpse of you
spend time with you 
and hearing from your lips 
[do i have your lips?]
the story of you and me. 
what happened?
sometimes i even find myself 
missing you 
and then i think 
how is that even possible
i barely know if you are even real.
i only know you were real once 
because i am here
and there's a lid that needs to 
be put 
back on...