grocery

all my children 
on me like a fur coat 
trailing behind me 
around me
the large cart between us
tossing in things we need 
and things we don't need
my hair pulled back 
a thick band attempting to cover 
the 3 day sheen
masking nothing.
in goes razors and toothpaste
band aids and a two pack of deodorant 
my brain working hard 
to pull up the list of must haves
but in the meantime 
in goes blood red nail polish 
in goes a family size of 
Bugles
olive's legs dangle from the 
front of the metal wheels
her little fingers sifting 
through my purse 
hoping to find a jolly rancher
koko lags behind
stopping to look at 
a shirt with little pink flowers on it
she pulls it off the rack,
holds hit up to her tiny frame 
and grins at me
i smile a no 
and we keep walking
my oldest son has two grasshopper legs walking 
next to the cart
and the other half of his body 
slewn haphazardly 
in the cart 
hovering over his baby brother.
unashamedly cooing
 using his 
ridiculous fluffy bunny voice 
strictly reserved for the baby 
and for the moment 
it doesn't bother me 
because at least 
he is keeping the baby entertained 
with tenderness 
and not obnoxiousness 
which i have a harder time accepting.
we somehow make it through 
the rest of our shopping
my body is tight with alertness 
waiting for a bomb to go off 
at any point in time
we roll up to the checkout 
and of course i am stared at 
who wouldn't stare at a single woman with 
4 kids swarming around her 
a cart full junk 
either she is brave or she 
is mad.
i don't know which of those i am. 
the young cashier starts beeping each item across 
the red eye
and placing them in plastic bags
i ask norah to receive each 
bagged item
and find a spot for them..
back in the cart from 
whence it came
the teenage boy asks to see my id
because of course some alcohol is 
going in the cart 
[essentials people]
so i hand it over and he looks me up and 
down and says 
"you don't look old enough to be born 
in 1985. you don't even look 
old enough to have 4 kids."
i laughed awkwardly 
but his words warm me 
and though i think he is generally just blurting out 
before thinking, 
at least he is not insulting me.
we continue to fall into our pattern,
pushing things along the belt,
there goes my bobby pins and rubber bands, 
there goes a Goonies shirt Ben spotted 
for dad,
grapes-beep
4 roma tomatoes-beep beep,
teenage sweetheart says one more time,
"i just can't believe you were born in 
1985! you look more like you are 20 years old."
whoa there sweetie! you buttering this 
granny up?
i give the boy a soft smile, 
he won't ever know how jazzed he made 
this 
over extended frazzled raggedy-crackety
mom feel, 
but i tucked the words in a bag
and put them in the cart along with the rest. 
the kids and i made our way to the van
the sun shining and no one 
lost it, 
no one got lost,
nothing came out of the store that wasn't paid for,
and none of us were crying. 
on top of that i was gifted with some 
free words of kindness.
i'd call that shopping trip 
a success..
whew. 
now i need a nap.