Sunday, December 9, 2018

no weigh.

sigh. 
will there ever come a time when this 
whole healthy 
lifestyle 
will get any easier?
will it ever come naturally?
i feel like if i am not 
constantly on alert.
at attention.
body taut and ready for action-
i fail.
and do i even dare face how many times 
i have already failed?
i ate a small mound of candy corn
because it was just 
sitting there. 
why.
i want to punch myself in the gut
for not refraining. 
for mindlessly sipping 
on soda, 
for reaching for the 
peanut brittle when it didn't even sound good.
i keep waking up at 5:30am and i 
still question 
what am i even doing.
i am not getting proper sleep as it is 
with little babies thrashing and screaming 
in the night, 
sometimes throw up and bad dreams 
to tend to.
and to pull myself out of bed in the dark 
yet again,
i am just tired. 
i walk outside, 
the cold hits my face.
the grass shrieks, 
crystal glass droplets scattered everywhere, 
ice cold manna sits on the ground 
and no one is there to pick it up.
my lungs buzz and strain, 
pulling at my ribs,
my heart bangs both from fear and adrenaline,
and i heave to breathe. 
will there come a time when i 
don't think about scrambling for oxygen
and it no longer hurts to run past the 
L shape of my block?
i just want it to be easier. 
a little more effortless. 
i don't want to feel stupid when i say 
no to cake and it doesn't hurt my feelings 
when she rolls her eyes at me
because i don't want to eat skittles at th
birthday party. 
doesn't she know it's been so hard 
just to get this point where i am,
and i am afraid of myself and how quickly i can 
spiral downward? 
that's what got me into this fat 
mess in the first place. 
a bite can quickly turn into a binge. 
just ask the candy corn. 
maybe i just need to stop and reflect on how far 
i have come. 
i left the house with a coat at one painful point
 i could not button or tie the sash.
today i was able to do it. 
my jeans have gone down 4 sizes. 
i can fit into many of my old clothes.
i have more self control.
i feel confident and safe in my little body. 
that matters. 
i can stand before the Father, head down
and allow Him to examine my temple, 
knowing i am caring for this gift He gave me. 
at least i am trying. 
this is far from a linear journey 
from bottom to top. 
so many valleys. 
maybe even some stalls. 
but i keep going. 
i keep climbing. 
every day is a new opportunity to 
keep trying. 
to make good choices 
and to walk in the Light and 
shed the old, saggy weight that 
physically and spiritually 
weighed me down. 
Lord. 
help me. 

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