covenant

"maybe you should try and change 
your perspective," she suggested 
gently..
she was right.
i had formed these expectations, 
these ideals, 
this fantasy 
of what i think marriage is supposed to be- from what?
movies i've watched? 
books i've read?
i don't really remember, 
but perhaps i've dreamt a little too delusional..
marriage has been such a cherished gift to me
these past 13 years. 
i would not trade the life i have built 
with the man of my dreams 
for anything. 
i am humbled. 
grateful. 
in wonder, really, 
at what God has graciously given us 
in this holy covenant. 
but somewhere in there, 
i had allowed my feelings to lead, 
and not my 
foundational commitment 
to hold me firm. 
i allowed boredom, 
discontent, 
complacency to lead the way, 
and that grew dangerous. 
where is the excitement?
i complained. 
where is the heavy mystery?
i lamented. 
where is the passion and 
dewey lusty feelings 
that greeted us when we first got married?
is this all there is?
13 years of commitment, 
fidelity, 
booger crusted kids,
and a plain life of ground hog's day
living the same day 
over and over again?
man, that sounds even bleaker still 
when i write it. 
but have i so quickly forgotten 
the gifts?
the gift that my husband has been 
entirely faithful to me 
with his eyes, his mind, and heart, 
that i have not had to fear 
him wandering astray?
have i forgotten the gift of not
having to raise our 
4 children alone, 
that my kids have a kind and loving father, 
who tucks them in every single night, 
washes their school uniforms, 
and is so slow to anger?
yes, there is a lot of mundane 
as life plods along, 
but i believe i was missing what was important,
what i was taking for granted, 
not recognizing 
privilege and abundance
when it surrounds me every day.
passion has been transformed to 
compassion
mystery has given way to 
consistency, 
lust has been 
replaced with trust. 
who am i to complain?
how could i have been so shallow to 
be dictated by feelings 
rather than faithfulness.
I repent of my discontent. 
my secret sense of entitlement.
my pride. 
it is so gross 
and i don't want it anywhere 
near or around my 
marriage. 
Lord, 
You continue to breathe life 
in my marriage far, far 
from me ever 
deserving it.
You protect it, seal it, 
weave Your cord around it.
may i choose thanksgiving. 
may i choose him, 
over and over again. 
he is my safety. 
my pleasure place.
my best friend and lover. 
he is the father of my children. 
keep my feet o Lord, 
from stumbling, 
my eyes and heart 
from sinning.
keep my heart soft and full
for my husband, 
this one marriage you have given us. 
may i never ever forget 
this solemn oath and covenant 
i have entered. 
till death do us part. 

[I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you, 
declares the Sovereign Lord, and you became mine.] -Ezekiel 16:8