it's hard.
it's hard attending church behind a screen, 
feeling so disconnected, 
does it really even matter if i show up?
no one would know if i did, 
would anyone even care if i didn't?
we are measured in numbers now, 
nameless faces.
these are the thoughts i wrestle with,
i am not saying they are truth, 
it is just what i feel sometimes 
and it is my responsibility to sift through them.
it's hard. 
there are many rules, opinions, thoughts, 
and orders. it is paralyzing. 
any movement of any kind 
is quickly analyzed, pulled apart, 
criticized. 
it's hard to feel like we are doing the right thing in this.
i miss my friends. 
i miss meeting in person. 
I miss easy going, warmed
physical affections, 
that naturally occur between ones 
you know and love.
a shoulder squeeze, 
a gentle hand upon mine, 
a hug. 
a real, genuine, not rushed hug. 
i really miss those a lot. 
i miss going on dinner dates with my husband. 
the kind where we both get dressed up, 
mold our hair with gel and curling irons, 
dose our bodies in fragrance 
and leave the house. 
in the car. 
and go to a beautiful restaurant.
i miss uninterrupted conversations with him, 
where the kids are not 
right next to us 
and we can chat, and dream, and we can be a
just a couple 
for a few hours, 
and leave the parenting at home. 
i feel guilty for lamenting 
when i know there are far more difficult things 
happening in the world. 
my heart is heavy for those things as well, 
but maybe i just need a second 
for it to be ok 
that my little wrestlings, 
my weaknesses
get to me sometimes 
and there's a time to mourn
but to also remind myself 
joy will come once again..

-covid19 series