the unedited version

where do I even start. I'm about to regurgitate a mouthful. Here it goes. I am Somewhat overwhelmed. But in a good way. I think. God is moving! His spirit Blows in, strong and mighty, and I am engulfed in His movement. I am on the victory side of this old creepy battle of lust. [Praise God.] it will still be a continual fight for purity and a transparent mind and spirit, but by His grace He has delivered me and His voice spoke louder than the evil one.

With that being said, I have 2 women who have shared with me their similar wars with this-they are in the thick of it and boy, is that evil one on the prowl. I am humbled and thankful that the Lord has walked me thus far for such a time as this. I was telling C I would have been in no position to disciple or admonish these women if I myself were sitting in it too. It would have been the blind leading the blind. But praise Jesus Christ for using a wretch like me to help lead these daughters of God away from the pit and speak truth and wisdom in how to overcome this. It has been intense to say the least, but I believe only by the power of Christ will we come out victorious.

speaking of victorious, I think of the words set free-which my Mom was just talking to me about this yesterday explaining that my dad has become an apprentice with Set Free ministries, a powerful program of healing and tools in assisting the broken and dark filled wanderers how to be victorious and brought to the light through intercessory prayer and discipleship, counseling, and just breaking chains through the spoken Word-wow and wow-I wanna be on that train!! And I'm just sensing in my spirit this reoccurring theme of Christ equipping us and giving us permission and power to be used to demolish walls and strongholds which is precisely what is going on right now! I feel small and helpless sometimes against such evil demonic powers-I almost wish there was some sort Of training out there to help me help others. Not Just some magic words and WA-la, you're healed, but maybe steps, wisdom, knowledge in these specific areas so that I might be more thoroughly used and there are no remains. I don't really know yet, I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all-but I've had this exact conversation with E and she has been feeling this pull as well and we never even knew about us both feeling this way before! Is that not God or what?!

And another thing-E (a different young woman I'm now referring to) had approached me in a tenative and sweet and questioning spirit and asked that I might begin mentoring her. me. a mentor. me, a mentor!?! I thought she must have been mistaken. I exclaimed, "girl, you know I'm the weakest of sinners, right? I fail all the time. I wouldn't even know what to say or do." and she, so kind, meek, and (more mature at the moment) just said, "would you just pray about it? Your weakness is why I come to you. I want you to teach me and just come alongside me. I look up to you because I see that you are stronger because of your weakness." whaaat.

so yeah. I'm scared. who am I? nobody. a rusty sinner who needs Jesus because as soon as I stop needing him, the snake is just waiting to recoil and squeeze the life out of me. so my heart is fragile and small and thankful that my Father has presented this opportunity to teach and encourage-not to show me how wise and smart I've become, but to lean on Him and His truth all the more, to be transparent and raw, so that only Him and Him alone may be reflected in my spirit. That this interaction with this precious broken girl would keep me all the more accountable to be in the Word, face to the floor and arms surrendered to Him because it's not just about me anymore (it never was) but she and whoever else is watching, and I desire mire than anything, to be a godly example and for my strength to be made perfect in my weaknesses-in all of them..

 I told you this would be a rant. Sometimes you just gotta sort through all these crazies in your mind. I don't even know. But I'm sure excited. That God of ours is a big fat deal and I love Him so much and I am so grateful for His mercy and grace and for loving a reject like me and taking the time to polish and refine me over and over again so that one day I'll be so shiny like a choice piece if silver and he'll let me sit as His table.