[wholeheartedness.]

[wholeheartedness]- i was asked back in march to speak on this topic by the women's ministry team, with the knowledge that the story of my brokenness and smallness would come forth. for those of you that know me intimately, you know this is not a new story, but for those who are tuning in for the first time, i welcome you. here is my speech, word for word. it is still being written, grace filled moment to moment..

I looked up the word wholeheartedness. I loved how it was defined:

[complete sincerity and commitment.
devoted, determined, enthusiastic
free from all reserve or hesitation
showing/having no doubt or uncertainity]

whole souled.

For me. the word whole hearted goes hand in hand with desperate, completely surrendered, fully dependant on Jesus.

I am wholehearted for Jesus because of what He has done. What He is doing. Because I do not desire  any other choice. There was a season that I was not whole hearted for Jesus. I was reserved.selfish. prideful. and that got in the way of being completely surrendered to Him. It was not until He pulled me out of my own wollowing bag of nasty sin, and lavished love and forgiveness on me like Ive never known, that I realized, how could I be anything or THAN wholehearted for Jesus? I desire none of the other stuff.  My heart is filled with gratitude, relief, brokensess and His sweet grace. I choose a life of wholeheartedness to a Saviour that rescues and redeems. Here is my story:


I am relieved. I am even a little proud. I'm excited that Jesus at this very moment, can dig deep inside my heart of hearts, and find something missing.

What is missing? Some unsavory thoughts. Ungodly thoughts that once swarmed my mind and they would not be abandoned. Not at any cost. I pushed my sweet Jesus aside, my commitment to marriage and love for my husband aside, even the Holy Spirit convicting me of wrong-all for what, an emotional affair I chose to engage in, knowing full well, how evil and wrong it was.

a little over 5 years ago I was full fledged thinking continuosly about this man that was NOT my husband way too often. It started with a glance, and after entertaining my mind with just the tiniest ideas, it blew up. No, I never had sex with this man. No, I never even had enough contact enough with him for there to be any evidence of a "relationship", but my mind, oh, my mind, crossed the line and sinned against the Almighty God.

This had been ongoing for about 2or 3 months and I had long since let go of even wrestling with it. At first I would try and fight it, ignore it, even pray a little about it, but the more I clutched this precious, it became an idol, and nothing else mattered. it consumed me.I thought about all the what ifs, and possibles and even maybes.. I would contour my life around it- I if I knew I might see him, I would carefully pick out a crisp clean uniform accordingly. I would find excuses to interact with him, and of course when I wasn't near, I tucked myself away in my dream life or thought life and lusted and imagined a life with him.

It disgusts me now, how low I stooped. Why it mattered to me so much, I don't know. It was so stupid and ridiculous. I didn't even have any kind of excuse.[not that we ever do] My husband has ALWAYS been faithful and SO good to me. Attentive, unselfish..this was just something I thought there was room in my heart for-Um, NO. Absolutely not. The battle between spirit and flesh raged thick, and it appeared that my flesh was winning.

On to the DELIVERANCE part. God had spoken and I had ignored. God had convicted, and I pretended I hadn't felt it. Yet, Jesus Christ, in His divine mercy, in His great love for me, still chose to reach me out of the pit, and help me rid myself of this filth.
It had taken me being stripped of my eye sight, [I was still clutching to this affair when my eye was diagnosed with this creepy rare disease called an acanthomeba in my right eye. A horrible blob of parasites that infested my eye and would take forever to die. The cornea specialist was not promising at all. No recovered sight most likely in that eye, no contacts ever again, and recovery/healing time? 6 months up to a year.

I was snatched from any kind of light (it was horribly painful to my eyes) and was left flat on my back. There I was, in darkness, all alone, in pain, and sadness, in complete brokenness when God began to speak once again.of course He didn't inflict my eye with this horrible disease, but I believe He did see it coming and would plan on using it for my much needed transformation.

So soft, so gentle, I was ashamed to hear Him even speak to me. I felt like such a loser, like absolutely nothing. No beauty, no personality, nothing to give, but tears. And I knew what He wanted.

Surrender. Open palms. A shattered vessel in desperate need of a Saviour. Long since overgrown weeds to be pulled by the Gardner's hands. A renewed mind that belonged to Him and His ways. Was I willing to allow the Father to remove the barbed thorn that had buried itself deep in my heart so that He could once again take His rightful place on the throne in my heart? i was.

It took a lot.. I don't EVER want to be in that place again, a place of full fledged pride and arrogance. A place of ignorance and indifference to the Master ever again. I didn't even want to begin a path down that road. I quit my place of employment at the time permanently because I wanted to remove all things that had anything to do with that man. Once I had confessed and repented, I knew the Lord expected CHANGE, and that is what I wanted to give Him. I wanted there to be NO HINT of anything.
I had to retrain my mind and spirit to take intrusive thoughts captive and choke the living daylights out of them. I had to tell my closet friends. My husband, and my best girl friends. It's no easy thing causing disappointment and hurt in the ones closet to you. Yet, they all forgave and loved me and committed with me to be accountable.


To this day, I am asked on a consistent basis how my heart and mind are doing. Is there any temptation that wants to arise. Am I headed down a path to an emotional affair? The pull is not nearly enticing as it once was, it reviles me, but I will never be above it. None of us are.
I feel stupid and small to have to be asked, but if that's what it takes to live a life worthy of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, than so be it.
So be it.

As God was weeding and removing and refining, my eye was still throbbing. it was swollen and grotesque. It was so discouraging and painful, but He also chose to breathe new life there as well. my beauty had clearly been taken from me, my joy was feeble, and i was a complete wreck. I hardly even went to church because I was so self conscious about my fat juicy eye, and it was super painful and sensitive to light. Nathan and I had stepped down from the worship team, my job, and I was inserting probably a million different medicines and eye drops every 2 to 4 hours and completely overwhelmed.

Not a enjoyable time to say the least, but certainly pivotal to my spiritual walk with the Father of Light, and a much needed time of transformation and refinement. I was working to let go of that deep rooted sin, sexual sin, and a sin of unfaithfulness to my husband, as well as to my heavenly Father. He was stripping me of comfort and security, so I would be desperate and realize how much I needed Him and truly how black the sin smeared all over me was.

This season isn't my favorite to go back to often, but I do, because I had never experienced the very presence of God more. He spoke to me daily, revealed Himself through miracles and through the wisdom and kind words of others. He affirmed me, taught me, and hugged me tightly. Because of this season of brokenness, I never desire to be 'big' again. I set aside the glamorous, pride filled life, and put on humble rags, but they are clean rags. Oh, how they have been washed by the blood of the Lamb, and shine white as diamonds! The diamonds I wear don't show up through the world's eyes, in fact, they might look quite pitiful. My beauty is different too. This time, it comes from the inside, a joy unwavering, instead of the makeup, shiny mirrors, and caked on mascara.


And weak is where I stand now. Weak, broken, softened by His touch, and forever grateful for His forgiveness and His strength given. Instead of holding on tightly to some sort of fleshly slimy precious, my hands are continually open in surrender and obedience.  I don't hold on so tightly to the thorns that might have once entangled me so easily. My life, my eye sight, my beauty, identity all belong to Him.
I desire a heart of humilty and thanfulness, rather than a spirit of pride and a hardened heart.

That was over 5 years ago. Removing of the rot, and being given a new robe by the King of Kings, and placing my life and whole heart in His hands.

I speak this all with such smallness, but i do so praying we all can look into our hearts and examine our hearts and motives. Is there something in there that is keeping you from being whole hearted for Jesus? Is there some sort of fleshy desire that you cling to and it is hindering you from a full relationship with the Father?  it oftentimes can seem little or non harming, but that is a lie. Sure, no one can really see deep inside your heart of hearts, but Jesus can.

I am made small. my heart-my whole heart belongs to my wonderful, merciful savior.  

My name is Jana and I am a broken wholehearted follower of Christ.