pity party of one.

i've got huge juicy zits on my face
and i'm pretty sure all the cookie dough binges
have caught up to me.
my face and body feel like
a stack of pancakes.
a friend is advancing and expanding
in some dreams coming to life
and i watch from the sidelines
fighting jealousy and a stupid self pity
because i have similar dreams
and they are nowhere close
to bearing fruit just yet.
I sat quietly among this powerhouse panel of women
as they shared wisdom, sound advice,
and choice words
i felt so small and inferior
empty hands with nothing to offer..
i look at her, her eyes sharp with confidence and suffering,
the one ive tried to feebly reach out to,
but with no response
and i wonder what she thinks of me
as if her opinion of me matters.
does it really?
does any of this matter?
I am trying to choose gratitude
but i feel myself wallowing,
drowning really
and i need Jesus to remind me of 
unwavering joy 
found in Him.
I am feeling useless, fearful,
and anxious for 
nothing.
He simply asks me to
give thanks.
give. thanks.
give. thanks.
ok, Jesus. here i am.
thank you for keeping me small.
small, like the donkey.
humble and lowly, 
not much to look at,
but gentleness and kindness are still present.
thank you for a godly husband
who meets me here, 
in this sore spot, 
sits with me for a while,
and then tends to my wounds.
thank you Jesus for intimate friends
that also speak words of life and encouragement
and do not kick me when i'm down.
thankful for my three children, 
so free spirited and tender
they snuggle, 
pepper me with kisses,
and tell me how much they love me
with such a freedom and 
no ulterior motive.
Jesus, I confess my weakened flesh 
to you.
please remove the insecurity rot
and replace it with a quiet and grateful heart.
it all fades, 
but You remain forever.
You are good.
You are good.
when there's nothing
good 
in 
me...