m.d.

i told the girls about you today.
how in your kind and meandering way, 
you told me how pretty i was,
and how you would love to find a wife someday
just like me. 
you said these things in purity 
and in noble character,
with the true keeper of my heart as witness.
my little heart drank the words
and they were tucked and folded
and put away with fondness.
I told them how you paid me 
extra attention,
making sure to be attentive and 
tender with me,
because you have taken the time to 
learn that this is the way 
i am wired.
i didn't want to really tell them 
any of these things,
but i know my heart,
my flesh,
i know my 
weakness.
I know that if i didn't share 
the temptation would be 
to take these moments, 
these words, 
out of the quiet place of 
affirmed rest
and try and weld them into 
something more grand,
advancing into dangerous territory.
my weakness at times 
is to take something pure and innocent
and mull over it, 
disect it, pull it apart,
and rebuild it 
over again
until it doesn't even resemble 
what it originally was intended 
to be, 
and that can quickly 
turn into straight up 
lust.
and that is something i have 
no desire to partake in,
i hate it
and i want nothing to do with it 
whatsoever.
I want to live in the light,
live a life free of 
darkness and secrets,
free of guilt and 
clingy preciousess
and i always want my life 
to be a life of 
transparency.
the women encouraged me 
and strengthened me.
they are proud of me for speaking 
my thoughts
into the air in front of them
so we can all look at them,
capture them,
and submit them 
to the Spirit.
they reminded me that the words were
a one time gift,
and not to become 
a gift that keeps on giving taking.
i understand that bringing this to 
my sisters, my accountability crew,
largely protected me from 
taking this further deep
until it could be 
too late 
and i am swimming in my own filth.
but no. 
Praise God, 
in His divine wisdom and goodness,
that He would convict,
prick my spirit,
pull it from my mouth,
and there is still time to redirect.
i am humbled.
i am grateful.
so yes, your words were so kind and sweet,
it was honeycomb to be affirmed
by another godly man, 
outside my own-
[who was completely present
and echoed your words].
but that is where i will leave it.
and that is where 
it will stay.