fuller.

i scrolled across your face the other day,
it startled me, 
took me by surprise.
surprised that after 5 long years
there was still a faint remnant
of a pull.
i had to make the choice, 
once again, 
to choose light, 
transparency, and 
hard honesty.
i did not want to sink into that 
age old pit,
one i once swam in knowingly,
that was quickly drowning me 
to destruction.
so i sought my husband out 
and spilled my heart to him-
sharing all with him,
articulating what swirls and smokes
inside me,
to allow escape 
and it becomes just that-
a puff of antique air,
no longer lingering, 
but disintegrating.
for living in the light, 
i cannot speak to this enough, 
brings true freedom and breaks
menacing grips,
and crushes strongholds.
i used to think even just 
being tempted, 
or that feeling pull was already 
slipping into the muck,
and i would not fight 
as hard, 
already feeling defeated.
but i am reminded that Christ himself
was tempted,
and yet he did not sin.
I have learned to recognize and discern, 
fight proactively,
to combat and beat the 
enemy at his own game.
i won't be overcome by this. 
it is not my master.
Christ is my master, 
and i am a slave only to Him.
only to Him.
and if i am not aware of the battle,
or allow myself to stand 
in complacency,
laziness, 
unaware-
i can be assured i will fall.
i will fail.
but not this time.
not this 
time.