all inclusive

write hard and clear about what hurts. -earnest hemingway

ok. i will. 

i am angry, frustrated, devastated, hopeless feeling, heart sunk that even after all this time, i am still getting harshly questioned about the root of my character and actions. 

i am discouraged that after so purposefully, so intentionally examining and reexamining my motives behind things, and then stepping forward in peace and rest, it is completely taken in the opposite way that i intended. 

please. let me repeat and repeat again what is hidden in my heart. 
i desire to be small, humble, and broken. I have always given permission to be corrected, admonished, and challenged. i do not want to grow complacent. I desire to be transparent, to be open and honest, both about real and hard things, and i walk in continued weakness with the prayer it will become my strength. i want to love and uplift those around me well, i love to affirm others through words probably the most. i desire to be kind and gentle in all things, to be hospital and warm, i never want to exclude or leave out anyone. 

please hear me say this in humility, i don't think this is news to anyone that this is my heart's desire. i am in no way perfect or fully achieved in any of these things, but by His grace, i am learning, growing, and being slowly transformed by Him and Him alone at work within me. I claim none of this of my own ability. at all. 

yet, i am still questioned. i am still accused of being arrogant and prideful, of bragging about my life, my friends, my marriage. because i choose to affirm these things in a public way-which my heart was NOT to be braggy and boastful at all, but to one, find pockets of joy in the everyday, to choose a life of gratitude and not discontent, and to love those around me by sharing their strengths and godly qualities. to shed light on their gifts and beautys. I also do this with the hope that people know their names and characters would be safe on my lips. that i would be a woman who speaks life and encouragement.  for that to come across as arrogant and flaunting, just devastates me. i guess i don't know what to do for the moment. 

here are some of the probing questions and i just need a second to respond clearly so for some false second, i feel understood.

"why do you need to constantly post about how much you love your 3 friends, over and over again? we get it. you love your friends. it comes across as cliche-ish and exclusive."

if my husband told me only once that he loved me and then after that, i should know it so he shouldn't have to repeat it, that would make me very sad. I am thankful that he wants to spend the rest of his life expressing his love for me both verbally, and in all sorts of creative ways. that is how i feel about the ones closest to me. of course i love them and i tell them to their faces. i also love to express love and affirmation to them continually as both a gift and just out of the overflow of my heart.  i don't need to. and they certainly don't need it either. but it is a gift i love to give and they are encouraged by it. i am trying to edify and strengthen. 

as for exclusivity or cliche-ish, again, that is not my intention. i have a small core group of women that have chosen to take the time to invest, to commit themselves to sword sharpening, and to walk closely through the hard, the mundane, and the joyful.  the reason for keeping it small to 3-4 people, is to create and maintain that intimacy that comes with full commitment and with just enough people that one or two don't get lost in the shuffle of a bigger crowd.  i always encourage other women to find/pursue/create a small group of their own so that they can experience this space for sanctification and edification. any one can have it. it's not like we have the one and only small group of God fearing women. in every other area of my life, i try and include and be warm with everyone. it is not my nature to strong arm someone out, or act as if i am superior to anyone. i NEVER EVER want to do that. that small group of women that i meet with has been meeting for many years now. people have since come and gone, floating in and out of our lives, jealousy or frustration have been expressed concerning the group, but when it comes down to it, no one wants to really commit to meeting weekly, or pour out their sin and shame and welcome accountability..it is real, raw, and messy. it is life giving and again, i will encourage women to create one if they truly want this.  and also for the record, my list of close wonderful friends does not limit just to that small group. i have other strong beautiful admiral women that i love and adore that are in other walks of life. you don't HAVE to have a small group to be fed :)

"do you and your husband post about each other because you are insecure and need to be affirmed? you make other people feel bummed out because they don't have what you have. it feels like you are flaunting it. why can't you just tell each other privately how you feel instead of rubbing it in every one's faces?"

wow. let me please remove the daggers from my heart and try to explain. to answer your question, no, i am not insecure. at least not when it comes to my husband's love and affection for me. no, i do not need for him to post wonderful kind and uplifting things about me on instagram or take pretty pictures. i don't  need any of that. do i love it and feel so honored and thankful that he would choose to express his love that way? absolutely. it is such a gift to me and i am humbled that he would take the time to do so. my husband does love me privately and quietly, in the every day and in the outside world. for him to post a sweet and thoughtful post about me, is just an outward act of something that was already there. words are a love language for both of us. we both love to affirm and uplift the other through words.  we share it publicly, not to brag, but to hopefully encourage other couples to maybe find ways they can love their own spouses in whatever way they want. it doesn't have to be the way we do it, there are many many ways to pursue and uplift your spouse before men.  also, the great thing about instragram or any other social media websites? you have so much freedom to choose what you do or don't want streaming in front of your face.  i have spoken of this many times and encourage even to stop following me or block me if you need to. no hard feelings whatsoever. i am not on there to seek approval or permission from others. i am delighted if anyone chooses to follow alongside my tiny and joy filled life, and the words of support and encouragement have been such a gift, but never expected. 

i don't have faecbook. i don't have twitter. Instagram was my one tiny social media outlet that i chose to keep because it was just a fun small space for me to share about my tiny life. i love to uplift others, my husband, share about the growth and delight found in my children, and what i am experimenting and learning in the kitchen. I love to write, so matching the captions with the pictures gives me similar delight. I thought it was safe because it's not super flamboyant and loud, people have the choice to follow along or thumb through, or even remove me all together, so it seemed like the least harmful. 
Now i am just discouraged and slowly even the joy from that teeny tiny spot is quickly slipping away. 

How do i become all things to all people? How do pursue humility and correction in all this? Do i live in fear of offending someone every time i post something that doesn't even have anything to do with them? Do i dismiss any one's objections all together?

i don't really know for now. i do know these conversations never get easier and i am heart broken every time someone chooses to brazenly question me, but i am always willing to explain and answer if given the chance. 

Ultimately, my identity and hope come from my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. I rest my heart and soul in Him, and He who is whom i answer to and welcome over and over the examination of my heart and character. I trust in His wisdom and love. I desire a heart soft and modeable to the Spirit. I never want to be a source of fear, jealousy, pain, or hurt and i am sorry if i have done so to anyone intentionally or unintentionally. 

please forgive me. 

may we all go our separate ways in peace and maybe a better understanding of what is going on here. 
i know i sure am trying...