walk with me

i do not like who i become 
when i am with you. 
i am not strong enough 
to fight against 
your discontentment
push back against your 
deeply rooted 
insecurities. 
i hear your voice 
dripping with bitterness and 
and your eyes 
volleying left to right 
piercing with 
comparisons. 
i desperately want to find 
even a shred of 
connection 
with you 
so i find myself 
weakly saying, 
me too, 
when that itself 
fights against 
everything i am as 
a person 
and what i hold
dearest. 
my life is 
a life of gratitude 
continually 
counting the gifts
in my palms 
[that i never deserved in the first place] 
i would not dare 
consider myself 
entitled to 
anything, 
and yet, 
here i sit next to you
and i hear with 
horror 
the disdain in my voice 
matching yours. 
i don't like it. 
it makes me feel icky
and it reminds me 
why i don't like to 
wollow in 
un happiness. 
i am more than joyful 
with my 
little house with chipped paint 
and no bathtub. 
i am in love with my 
hard working husband 
who sacrifices a lot 
to give me the gift of 
staying at home 
full time.
yes, he works more than most-
but how we all the more 
cherish our time together 
as a family.
and yes, i don't have a pile of 
friends who
puff me up with empty praises
and prop me up with 
popularity. 
i do have just a 
few good women 
who speak truth and kindness to me 
and will walk with me 
at my weakest. 
so yes, i AM thankful. 
i AM full of gratitude. '
i DO choose joy, 
unwavering and steadfast. 
and my prayer for you 
is that you can learn it too. 
please, please, 
don't pull me down with you, 
but climb up here 
with me 
where the Light 
can shine in.