I've had to take a break from cooking because I've got this bum eye..It feels like I've had to take a break from a lot of things. Driving, putting on makeup, enjoying the sun, and wearing my contact lenses..Some are so small, but it's pretty incredible how much of my life is effected by this eye infection.
I've had quite a time of it, trying to function in every day life, feeling sorry for myself often times because I don't feel beautiful anymore, and my joyful boisterous personality has turned mum. Amidst all this, Jesus is speaking more loudly than ever. As I am silenced and simplified, He is more glorified and His still small voice is power to me.
I yell at Him a lot still, demanding to know why He hasn't/won't heal me, and Job reminds me He owes us nothing and we were no where to be found when He laid the foundations of the earth. My eye is throbbing and and I'm balling my eyes out, and Jesus lays quietly besides me whispering peace.
My dad reminds me of the crippled man who lay there by the gate for three long years while Jesus, the Great Healer, walked past him a hundred times and he waited and waited. What must he have been thinking?
I think I might know. Jesus, do You see me? Am I forgotten? Abandoned? Do you love me? Why must I wait in such pain like this?
Your grace is enough. Your grace is enough.
I'm still learning. I sit awfully close to this dark pit, wanting to fall in sometimes, I wonder where my strength is to fight this. I feel like I've lost so much of who I am just because of this stupid eye. My beauty was something that I took great pride in, maybe too much pride I'm now realizing. At least now that it's gone for the moment.. My joy and outgoing attitude. I'm too embarrassed and ashamed of my face to insert myself into lively conversations, or share my personality on things.. But what is all this? Is this my identity? Where does Christ fit in? Last time I checked, He is ALL I need and He is all who I should be. Those other things pale in comparison to belonging to the Father.
When it all is quiet and empty, I'm just a tiny little girl, a broken vessel in need of my Saviour. I am His daughter, His love, and that is enough. I hide myself in Him, and I am nothing without Him.
And maybe that's why He led me to the desert, so He could speak tenderly to me.
Speak Jesus. Your servant is now listening...
3 comments:
Jana, this really touched me in so many ways. You may feel weak so much, but I still see a very strong woman of God underneath it all.
I can't imagine what it must feel like to deal with such opposition day after day like you do. I have not stopped praying and you are on my thoughts daily if not hourly.
When I spotted in you a few days ago downtown, you didn't just look good, you looked gorgeous! As always your beauty inside and out radiates all over you and surpasses over your sorrowed eye.
I love you and you mean the world to me Jana and please don't ever feel afraid to call me. I miss you a lot.
Love Nik
Sounds to me that "another eye" has been opened to see what 'eye has not seen, ear has not heard, neither has entered into the heart of man what God has prepared for those who love Him. But it has been revealed by the Spirit.."
oh my dear jana, you are precious. please remember that the people that love you most- ie your husband, son, parents, siblings, best friends, and the One who IS your all in all, we know your HEART and love you so much. if you had no eyes at all, we will still cherish you just the same. keep faithful, beautiful friend. we love you-
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