Identity Crisis.

For the past couple of weeks I was wrestling with a few unwanted emotions and feelings, and they were not seeming to let up.
Obviously, I should not run on emotions or feelings, but sometimes they choke you so tightly, they have to be dealt with with more than just a shrug of the shoulder.

I was feeling forgotten, lost, replaced, threatened, and bitter. Ridiculous I know, But you know me, I'm weak. And I think (well I know) I had forgotten to surrender the flesh to Christ and remember clearly where my identity was supposed to be. (and is.)
A few different circumstances/experiences in my life had left me somewhat angry and frustrated. I was feeling as though my ankles were being nipped at by young blood, and if there was any room to take over and conquer, than it would be done so. I think I was clinging too tightly for fear of this, and that made me feel threatened.
I also experienced this spirit of competiveness or one-upping in a place where it's not necessary and I felt like I was drowning in inferiority and incompetency and that left me feeling insecure and beaten.
I don't know where at what point did I allow these horrible soured fruits to fester, but I did, and I felt frozen. I DO NOT want to ever allow this type of sin to rule my heart and nor do I believe it is God honoring, so I think I needed to pray quite profusely and seek council.

My prayer as of late is, Jesus, I'm sorry. I confess these grievances to You, and ask You to replace them with healthy, fruits of the Spirit. I ask You to put at the forefront of my mind, Who exactly is my identity. It can never be who, what, where, or whatever, but YOU. Only You. I understand if I put my hope and meaning in anything or anyone else, it is an act of unfaithfulness to You, and set up for disappointment.
Please remove bitterness and doubt. Remove anger and hurt. Replace with compassion and humility. Oh, humility. I need so much of it.

Small. Tiny. Weak. Desperate for Him.

And He has. My life has always been a lesson of being small and walking in insignificance, at least while I'm here on earth. I do know I am a treasure in His eyes, and that has to be enough for me. I need to let go of the idea of appearing as though all is together, I'm good at everything, and I'm important. Because I'm not. And there are plenty to make sure I know it. Or feel it. Or one of the two..
It shouldn't matter. I WANT to love others and always make sure they are uplifted above me. I DO desire for His love to radiate through me. But that can't happen if I'm clouding the way with retarded feelings of anger or bitterness. Or if I am not firmly rooted in Him.

I'm sorry I fail so much. It's pretty embarrassing that He has to work on me so much, but it's what I asked for. Teaching, admonition, edification, accountability.

Close friends and mentors have echoed what He has already spoken. 'Remain in Him, and He will remain in You'. 'Let go of these burdens and you stay faithful, even if others around you try and deter you.' 'You're identity is in Him alone. NOT in anything else.'

Ok. My identity is in Christ.
I love cooking and creating, but my joy and ability is in the One who created me.
I value friendships and people, but I am not defined by who loves me, but Him who saved me.
There are plenty out there that will always be better than me at everything, pretty loud about it, there will be better friends than me, ones plenty more righteous and what have you, but I want to be good at loving Jesus and loving others. No matter how unglamorous it may be.

I don't even know if this made sense, but I think I had to clear it out for myself. There were just some that made me feel discouraged by trying to compete with me, trying to take from me, or trying to defeat me (maybe they weren't even trying) and so all these unwanted feelings arose, which in turn, I engaged in sin, instead of reacting in a spirit of humility and honor, I was feeling all justified and sitting in a pity party, and God kicked my butt and said, "Hey, daughter. Listen here. It's not about you. You are wasting far too much brain and heart space when it could be filled with Me and My joy for you. You are My treasure and let go RIGHT now of that ridiculous sin. Be small for Me, ok? I see. I understand. But you need to remember where you're identity lies. In Me. Not anything you do or who you know. Get it?"

Yes. I do.

My heart is filled with peace and brokenness and I remain once again in His goodness and faithfulness. I find security in Him. I find love and affirmation from Him. There IS no competition between Him and me because I am small and He is great.

Ok. Glad that's taken care of.
For now. Sigh

This instruction is found in the ancient Codex Bezae:
“Seek to grow from smallness,
and from the higher place
move down to the lowest.”

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